I am struggling to write this second part. It's 2:33am and I can't sleep. I'm actually not sure when I will sleep again. There is so much going on in my head and my heart I am not sure I can even put it on paper... (or on a computer screen in this case)
I spent most of the night crying and trying to hide my tears from Yuri. Not big, ugly crying, just subtle tears streaming.... The thought of sending him back was an overwhelming reality tonight. I have known from the beginning that he had to go back at the end of the summer. I even cried a few nights before he got here thinking about it. But now that he is here, it's different.
He's here.
I can't explain the love I have for this child. There is no logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that God has put it there. He has orchestrated this whole thing. From the beginning, I can see His hand moving on behalf of Y and for His own glory, as all things are and should be. I clearly felt Him say to me tonight, "pain is a part of it".....as I was pleading with Him to help me overcome this and enjoy the time he is here for now. Pain is always a part of the beautifying process with our loving God. It's in the brokenness that He makes things beautiful. He takes our tattered and torn lives and weaves a beautiful tapestry for His glory. Our strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9) and it's then we realize we are completely dependent upon Him for our every need....
I said in my blog a few days ago that I could feel change was coming.... Well it's just beginning. And not just for me, but for my whole family. I am not the only one that loves Y. We all do. He is already changing our dynamic. The way we talk to each other. The way we look at each other. The way we love each other. In just one short weekend, he has already had an effect that will last a lifetime. And it's only the beginning....
God is using Y to show us what genuine love looks like. Real I Corinthians 13 love. I don't think it is any coincidence that we started memorizing that chapter as a family a few weeks ago... Just another way of how God is sovereign over all.
Okay... I am going to try and finish the first day story...
So, after we leave the airport, we all load up in our van (which has a donut tire on now because of the flat that occurred on the way there) and head home. At first Samantha, McKain and Y were in the back seat. Not 5 minutes down the road, I decided I wanted to sit in the back with him so I could talk to him (or talk to my phone so it could talk to him), so Samantha and I switched. (which she was thrilled to do... NOT) About 5 minutes later, Parker had to pee. Stop #1
We all go in the gas station and McKain shows Y around and tells him to pick anything he wants.... He picks a huge chocolate, caramel, granola bar thing and a Coke Zero.... I looked at the drink and tried to explain that it was a diet drink and maybe he wanted a "real" Coke... He conceded, I am sure just to shut me up. Haha So back in the car we go.... and 10 minutes later... (really it was, not kidding) Parker has to pee AGAIN... Stop #2
Well, there is no exit with gas stations and Parker is really whining at this point. Like he is going to die. It's about 9:15 and he has had a long day with WAY too much to drink. Sammy tries to talk me in to letting him pee in a bottle in the car. (something we have done in the past) But I adamantly argue I will not do that in front of Y his first night here and scare him to death thinking we are some sort of crazy parents who make their children pee in bottles..... I can't even imagine what that would look like to him.... Did I mention we were almost sitting still in traffic??
Sammy very slowly makes his way to the next exit (which has no gas stations) He drives a little way, makes a couple of turns, and finally just pulls into an empty parking lot and lets Parker out and then we pulled off quickly so he couldn't follow..... (kidding)
At this point we are all tired. Y is already tired of google translate and Sammy is beyond ready to get home and get away from our two youngest who have consistently whined and cried for the last 4 hours.... We make our way back to the interstate ramp only to notice it is blocked by a state trooper. We talk to the State Trooper who tells us the road is closed and we will have to take 75 turns to get through the town and back to the interstate on down a few miles or we can go back the way we came and get back on the interstate a few exits back and wait in traffic... we chose 75 turns... Well as we are pulling away from the ST... Y takes off his seatbelt and proceeds to get up... I am trying to ask him what is wrong. I was sure he was going to be sick... I was yelling for Sammy to pull over because he was trying to get out and to hand me something because I thought he was going to be sick... (one of the things P143 told us was to be prepared for motion sickness as most of these children have never traveled for long distances) I just knew me and my entire van were about to be covered in.... well you know.... I empty the bag that I had the chips in and Samantha throws back a ziplock... (thanks Samantha) I hand him the chip bag and he looks at me really strange... I nod like "yes, it's okay" then he proceeds to stand up and act like he is going to unbutton his pants.... Of corse I am calm and say "no, no, that's not what I meant".... Ha! No, I started yelling "NOOOO, NOOOO don't do that!!" He says "Ohhhh, Ohhhh, Okay" Then I yell for Sammy to pull over now because he has got to go.... He pulls over right across from the exit where we had just spoke with the ST and let's Y out with McKain as his chaperone of corse.... Desperate times call for desperate measures....
Again, we got back on the road. Our two hour trip home became 3 but we made it.
Y did end up falling asleep for the last hour and a half and I ended up driving because Sammy was also asleep.... at the wheel.... haha
Once we got home and showed him his room and his things we had bought, I asked him if he wanted to take a shower to which he said "yes" and in my mind I did a happy dance because I did not want him to go to bed without a shower, but I also didn't want to make him feel like he had to take one at 1am!
He was happy about everything I showed him or gave him, but he has been overall very mellow. He reminds me of Sammy. Very laid back. This is a good thing... our family needs some more "laid back" :)
There have been many "first" and many new experiences for all of us and it has been a blast.
He is so kind and respectful. He is helpful and polite. He tries to help me with everything without me even asking.
We have talked a little about where he is from and about his life there. He seems sad when I ask about it so I try not to dig. (which is totally against my nature) but I know when he wants to, he will tell me his story... Until then....Thanks to a precious redeeming God.... We are writing our own.... A brand new one....
Monday, June 23, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
How God is messing up my plans....
My sister and I say, "If you want to see God laugh, tell Him your plans." Well He must be laughing hysterically at me right now!
It all started last summer when I was introduced to Suzette Davie and her Ukrainian orphans. I had no idea how these precious children would captivate my heart. Sammy and I have known for a while that we wanted to adopt, but we have always said it would be a younger child. You know, between the ages of 2-5. Also, she would be a girl. We have 3 boys and 1 girl so naturally we would adopt a girl. And with adoption, you control what you get, right?? (Can you hear God laughing?)
After meeting and hanging out with them a few times, I knew changes were coming in my life and I needed to get ready. Through Suzette, and Grace to Ukraine, I met Brandy who introduced me to Project 143 and their hosting program. Through the hosting program you are mostly hosting older children who are more likely to age out of the orphanage soon. If you host younger ones, its because they are a part of a sibling set that has older siblings. Sammy and I knew we wanted to host this summer so we did the pre-authorization process in Jan or Feb and began praying about which child we should host. Then we found out about Hudson's skull and thought we were moving so we knew that our hosting plans needed to be put on hold. Well, praise God, Hudson did not require surgery and we decided not to move yet. I was scrolling on Facebook one night on my computer (because I had taken it off of my phone (another blog another night)) because I had not been on in a few days, when I see a post from "Grace to Ukraine" advocating for a girl that needed a host family. I immediately sent Brandy a message asking if we were still eligible. I just knew we had missed the window. She said we were. We were so excited! Just what WE had wanted, and 11yo girl! (still laughing)
Well, in good God fashion, we find out we are not able to host the young girl. The program did not feel like we were a good match for each other. So after this blow, as I sit on the couch thinking, "Really God? Here we are, willing, and ready, and we get nothing?".... Then Brandy types these words that would change our lives and hearts forever...
"Would you consider Y?"
I knew right away it was a boy. I just sat there staring at the computer. Then I looked at Sammy and I said, "Would you consider hosting a boy?" His answer is when I knew, this was God's plan. Sammy said, "How could we not?".
That is how God introduced us to Y. An orphan boy from the Ukraine.
It's never how we think it is going to look. It is always way better!
If we had any doubts that this was God's plan, he curbed those in the first 48 hours, because that is how fast we raised $2100.
Sammy and I did not have a penny to spare the night we agreed to host Y. We had to come up with $200 to pay that next day and then $1900 the following week. I wasn't worried about the $1900 as much as I was the $200 because our bank account was empty. Here is the thing about Sammy and I, we are not wealthy. We don't just have money sitting around when we need to grab a couple hundred here and there. It's just not the life God has given us. I am sure because He knows in His sovereignty that we wouldn't have gotten where we are in our relationship with Him if he had allowed us that luxury. He is good like that and knows our hearts better than we do. :)
Well, I sent an email and posted on Facebook about what we were doing and what we needed. Before morning, we had $500. Within 48 hours, we had it all. When I say I am amazed by God and how He showed himself faithful through our friends and family, I mean, He showed OFF!! He truly has a heart for the orphan. All He wants is someone willing.
I have heard Sammy say several times throughout this process that "we say we have faith, that we trust God, that we want to follow and obey Him, but when it comes down to it, and He ask us to step out, will we? Do we really have faith, or are those just the words we say?"
Sammy and I are trusting God to guide us. He has not failed us so far and we have no doubts that He will not fail us in the future.
Y is here! He is precious.
I saw him right away, coming up the escalator. I knew it was him. I recognized him from his pictures. I watched him. I stood there, in awe of my big God and how He has already given me a love for this child that I had only just now seen in person. It was really like the world stopped for a minute and I just stared at him. I wondered how he would change our lives, all of ours, and how we would change his. I wondered how I could love him, really love him, the way Christ calls us to. I wondered how I was going to show him who Christ was and when I could put that jacket he had on in the washing machine.... It was a long moment. haha Our last name is "Tice" and they went alphabetically. I watched him stand there next to the lady with the list. He kept pointing and talking. I knew he was wanting to know why she wasn't calling him. There was so much going on around me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him... My kids were talking, arguing, whining, but I barely noticed. I was just listening for my name... Then it was called, and I pushed my way through the crowd, because I was in the back. The whole time screaming at myself "DO NOT CRY.... DO NOT CRY!! You are going to totally freak him out if you cry!!!!" When I got to him, it was awkward... I'm just being honest... We hugged and I was snapped back to reality of here I am, an American mommy, and here he is, a Ukrainian orphan, and he is coming home with me. I immediately went into "fix it and make it better mode".... I started barking orders at everyone. One thing they kept reiterating at P143 was not to wait around after you met your child. Get your picture made (Ukrainian government rule) and get out. So I walked Y over to the kids, they introduced themselves and Sammy shook his hand. Then he shook McKains hand and went and stood beside him. (and pretty much hasn't left it since). Then the bag fiasco... One of the things they told us to ask them was if they had checked any luggage. Well I don't speak Russian. (The language we thought he spoke) I took him to a translator and she told me he did have luggage. She said to go to baggage claim #2. Easy enough right? So, off we head, Sammy, myself, our four kids and Y. We make it to baggage claim 2 and he walks around the entire thing.... 3 times.... no bag. He starts to panic. Obviously we don't know what he is saying, but we can figure its about his bag. He starts to walk off. I yell for McKain to follow him (which he already was)... I begin trying to call people on my phone who may speak Russian or know someone who does.... My first few calls give me voice mails.... Okay, so here is where the calm, I've got it all together Michelle leaves for a few minutes and allows, I'm freaking out, this is terrible, I just want to crawl in a whole and cry Michelle to come in.... Sorry for all of those who had to encounter her for those few minutes.... Very long story short, we were at the North baggage claim and needed to be at the South. We found his bag! He was thrilled! We were thrilled!! Off to the car we went.....
There is so much more to this story, but it's already so long and I am so tired. I will write the rest tomorrow.
I am writing this for myself and Sammy, for Y, for my kids and for anyone who loves us and wants to remember how this journey began. I don't know how or to what extent, but I know our lives are changed forever now because of this precious Ukrainian. I do know that I want more than anything to be obedient to my God. It's the least I can do.....
It all started last summer when I was introduced to Suzette Davie and her Ukrainian orphans. I had no idea how these precious children would captivate my heart. Sammy and I have known for a while that we wanted to adopt, but we have always said it would be a younger child. You know, between the ages of 2-5. Also, she would be a girl. We have 3 boys and 1 girl so naturally we would adopt a girl. And with adoption, you control what you get, right?? (Can you hear God laughing?)
After meeting and hanging out with them a few times, I knew changes were coming in my life and I needed to get ready. Through Suzette, and Grace to Ukraine, I met Brandy who introduced me to Project 143 and their hosting program. Through the hosting program you are mostly hosting older children who are more likely to age out of the orphanage soon. If you host younger ones, its because they are a part of a sibling set that has older siblings. Sammy and I knew we wanted to host this summer so we did the pre-authorization process in Jan or Feb and began praying about which child we should host. Then we found out about Hudson's skull and thought we were moving so we knew that our hosting plans needed to be put on hold. Well, praise God, Hudson did not require surgery and we decided not to move yet. I was scrolling on Facebook one night on my computer (because I had taken it off of my phone (another blog another night)) because I had not been on in a few days, when I see a post from "Grace to Ukraine" advocating for a girl that needed a host family. I immediately sent Brandy a message asking if we were still eligible. I just knew we had missed the window. She said we were. We were so excited! Just what WE had wanted, and 11yo girl! (still laughing)
Well, in good God fashion, we find out we are not able to host the young girl. The program did not feel like we were a good match for each other. So after this blow, as I sit on the couch thinking, "Really God? Here we are, willing, and ready, and we get nothing?".... Then Brandy types these words that would change our lives and hearts forever...
"Would you consider Y?"
I knew right away it was a boy. I just sat there staring at the computer. Then I looked at Sammy and I said, "Would you consider hosting a boy?" His answer is when I knew, this was God's plan. Sammy said, "How could we not?".
That is how God introduced us to Y. An orphan boy from the Ukraine.
It's never how we think it is going to look. It is always way better!
If we had any doubts that this was God's plan, he curbed those in the first 48 hours, because that is how fast we raised $2100.
Sammy and I did not have a penny to spare the night we agreed to host Y. We had to come up with $200 to pay that next day and then $1900 the following week. I wasn't worried about the $1900 as much as I was the $200 because our bank account was empty. Here is the thing about Sammy and I, we are not wealthy. We don't just have money sitting around when we need to grab a couple hundred here and there. It's just not the life God has given us. I am sure because He knows in His sovereignty that we wouldn't have gotten where we are in our relationship with Him if he had allowed us that luxury. He is good like that and knows our hearts better than we do. :)
Well, I sent an email and posted on Facebook about what we were doing and what we needed. Before morning, we had $500. Within 48 hours, we had it all. When I say I am amazed by God and how He showed himself faithful through our friends and family, I mean, He showed OFF!! He truly has a heart for the orphan. All He wants is someone willing.
I have heard Sammy say several times throughout this process that "we say we have faith, that we trust God, that we want to follow and obey Him, but when it comes down to it, and He ask us to step out, will we? Do we really have faith, or are those just the words we say?"
Sammy and I are trusting God to guide us. He has not failed us so far and we have no doubts that He will not fail us in the future.
Y is here! He is precious.
I saw him right away, coming up the escalator. I knew it was him. I recognized him from his pictures. I watched him. I stood there, in awe of my big God and how He has already given me a love for this child that I had only just now seen in person. It was really like the world stopped for a minute and I just stared at him. I wondered how he would change our lives, all of ours, and how we would change his. I wondered how I could love him, really love him, the way Christ calls us to. I wondered how I was going to show him who Christ was and when I could put that jacket he had on in the washing machine.... It was a long moment. haha Our last name is "Tice" and they went alphabetically. I watched him stand there next to the lady with the list. He kept pointing and talking. I knew he was wanting to know why she wasn't calling him. There was so much going on around me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him... My kids were talking, arguing, whining, but I barely noticed. I was just listening for my name... Then it was called, and I pushed my way through the crowd, because I was in the back. The whole time screaming at myself "DO NOT CRY.... DO NOT CRY!! You are going to totally freak him out if you cry!!!!" When I got to him, it was awkward... I'm just being honest... We hugged and I was snapped back to reality of here I am, an American mommy, and here he is, a Ukrainian orphan, and he is coming home with me. I immediately went into "fix it and make it better mode".... I started barking orders at everyone. One thing they kept reiterating at P143 was not to wait around after you met your child. Get your picture made (Ukrainian government rule) and get out. So I walked Y over to the kids, they introduced themselves and Sammy shook his hand. Then he shook McKains hand and went and stood beside him. (and pretty much hasn't left it since). Then the bag fiasco... One of the things they told us to ask them was if they had checked any luggage. Well I don't speak Russian. (The language we thought he spoke) I took him to a translator and she told me he did have luggage. She said to go to baggage claim #2. Easy enough right? So, off we head, Sammy, myself, our four kids and Y. We make it to baggage claim 2 and he walks around the entire thing.... 3 times.... no bag. He starts to panic. Obviously we don't know what he is saying, but we can figure its about his bag. He starts to walk off. I yell for McKain to follow him (which he already was)... I begin trying to call people on my phone who may speak Russian or know someone who does.... My first few calls give me voice mails.... Okay, so here is where the calm, I've got it all together Michelle leaves for a few minutes and allows, I'm freaking out, this is terrible, I just want to crawl in a whole and cry Michelle to come in.... Sorry for all of those who had to encounter her for those few minutes.... Very long story short, we were at the North baggage claim and needed to be at the South. We found his bag! He was thrilled! We were thrilled!! Off to the car we went.....
There is so much more to this story, but it's already so long and I am so tired. I will write the rest tomorrow.
I am writing this for myself and Sammy, for Y, for my kids and for anyone who loves us and wants to remember how this journey began. I don't know how or to what extent, but I know our lives are changed forever now because of this precious Ukrainian. I do know that I want more than anything to be obedient to my God. It's the least I can do.....
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
"Forgotten Blog" meets "Needed somewhere to write this all down"
Oh this thing called life.... With all its ups and downs and ins and outs....
At the end of it all, I want to look back at my life and say, "I tried my best to glorify God in all I did."
To the humanist, and atheist and agnostic, this may seem like such a wasted life. But to the Christ-follower, there is no other way to live. And if we are living any other way, then we quite possibly are not following Christ.
In all of us there is this need, this desire, to be accepted, to be loved, to be needed. God put that there. (whether you acknowledge Him or not) He put it there so we would seek Him out, because when we seek Him, we WILL find Him. It's a promise. (Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 8:17)
But back to this need.... we all search for it in different ways. We try to find acceptance in the world, with other people, with things, with animals, we surround ourselves with what the "world" has to offer and always end up feeling empty. Not satisfied. So we fill ourselves with more things.... and again, emptiness. It's a viscous cycle. One that some of us will repeat util we die. Others of us, however, will surrender. We give up trying to do it ourselves, and we will allow God to fill us.
This is where true freedom lies. True Joy. True Peace. True Satisfaction. And in the moments of complete surrender, you can watch God move on your behalf and in your life, and you will be forever changed.
Us Christ followers.... We are not perfect.... No, we are far from it, but what we have realized is just that. That we are not perfect. In fact, that we are pretty messed up. And in desperate, DESPERATE, need of saving. Saving from ourselves, from our choices, from our consequences, from our mistakes. Sure, our mistakes make us who we are, but because of what God does with those mistakes. Because of his promise to work all things together for good for those who are called according to HIS purpose! (Romans 8:28)
It takes humility to be a follower of Christ. And humility, it is hard to come by these days. Even among us Christ followers. Even though we know we need saving, we want it to be on our terms. Christ tells us to die to ourselves daily. To take up our cross and follow him. And to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling....(Acts 17:11, Phil 2:12) I am understanding more and more why this is a daily process. Because that is how quickly we forget who we are and WHO we are following. Even as people of "The Way", we still try to fill ourselves with the things of this world to satisfy.
I watch myself and my brothers and sisters in the faith, fill ourselves with politics, entertainment, work, fashion, social networking, eating right, exercising, fill in the blank..... True, these things in and of themselves are harmless, but its when they our idols, more important than our walk with Christ and the thieves of our HUMILITY, that they become a problem.
I will get to the end of the day sometimes and wonder, "How did I get here?" "At what point in the day did I stop following Christ, and start following my self?" It happens often, more often than my pride would like to admit to you. But it happens, A LOT.
(squirrel chase coming...)
And here is a huge part of the problem... We have stopped holding each other accountable. We have stopped asking the hard questions.... but not because we are lacking in "judgmental" people. NOOOOOO, we have plenty of those in our "Christ-following" circles. What we are lacking, is genuine friendships. True, Iron sharpening Iron, relationships. (Prov 27:17) Relationships where we feel safe. Safe to be honest, and confident that we will receive honesty in return. We offer too many opinions and not enough truth from God's Word. We aren't studying God's Word together anymore and we are just throwing around our opinion about how we think things should be done. (and usually not to the persons face our opinion is about) It's a shame really. The name we have given Christ.
(back to the point)
I have come to a place in my life.... A faith place.... Where I know God is moving.... Where He is changing me. Changing me for His glory, and for His purpose and for His good.
In all honesty, I am afraid.
What God calls us too looks crazy to the rest of the world.
But I AM TIRED OF THE WORLD!!!!
I have tried this world.... over and over and over.... and every time, it leaves me empty.
I just want Jesus. All of Him. None of me.
Changes are coming. And I can't wait!
At the end of it all, I want to look back at my life and say, "I tried my best to glorify God in all I did."
To the humanist, and atheist and agnostic, this may seem like such a wasted life. But to the Christ-follower, there is no other way to live. And if we are living any other way, then we quite possibly are not following Christ.
In all of us there is this need, this desire, to be accepted, to be loved, to be needed. God put that there. (whether you acknowledge Him or not) He put it there so we would seek Him out, because when we seek Him, we WILL find Him. It's a promise. (Jeremiah 29:13, Proverbs 8:17)
But back to this need.... we all search for it in different ways. We try to find acceptance in the world, with other people, with things, with animals, we surround ourselves with what the "world" has to offer and always end up feeling empty. Not satisfied. So we fill ourselves with more things.... and again, emptiness. It's a viscous cycle. One that some of us will repeat util we die. Others of us, however, will surrender. We give up trying to do it ourselves, and we will allow God to fill us.
This is where true freedom lies. True Joy. True Peace. True Satisfaction. And in the moments of complete surrender, you can watch God move on your behalf and in your life, and you will be forever changed.
Us Christ followers.... We are not perfect.... No, we are far from it, but what we have realized is just that. That we are not perfect. In fact, that we are pretty messed up. And in desperate, DESPERATE, need of saving. Saving from ourselves, from our choices, from our consequences, from our mistakes. Sure, our mistakes make us who we are, but because of what God does with those mistakes. Because of his promise to work all things together for good for those who are called according to HIS purpose! (Romans 8:28)
It takes humility to be a follower of Christ. And humility, it is hard to come by these days. Even among us Christ followers. Even though we know we need saving, we want it to be on our terms. Christ tells us to die to ourselves daily. To take up our cross and follow him. And to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling....(Acts 17:11, Phil 2:12) I am understanding more and more why this is a daily process. Because that is how quickly we forget who we are and WHO we are following. Even as people of "The Way", we still try to fill ourselves with the things of this world to satisfy.
I watch myself and my brothers and sisters in the faith, fill ourselves with politics, entertainment, work, fashion, social networking, eating right, exercising, fill in the blank..... True, these things in and of themselves are harmless, but its when they our idols, more important than our walk with Christ and the thieves of our HUMILITY, that they become a problem.
I will get to the end of the day sometimes and wonder, "How did I get here?" "At what point in the day did I stop following Christ, and start following my self?" It happens often, more often than my pride would like to admit to you. But it happens, A LOT.
(squirrel chase coming...)
And here is a huge part of the problem... We have stopped holding each other accountable. We have stopped asking the hard questions.... but not because we are lacking in "judgmental" people. NOOOOOO, we have plenty of those in our "Christ-following" circles. What we are lacking, is genuine friendships. True, Iron sharpening Iron, relationships. (Prov 27:17) Relationships where we feel safe. Safe to be honest, and confident that we will receive honesty in return. We offer too many opinions and not enough truth from God's Word. We aren't studying God's Word together anymore and we are just throwing around our opinion about how we think things should be done. (and usually not to the persons face our opinion is about) It's a shame really. The name we have given Christ.
(back to the point)
I have come to a place in my life.... A faith place.... Where I know God is moving.... Where He is changing me. Changing me for His glory, and for His purpose and for His good.
In all honesty, I am afraid.
What God calls us too looks crazy to the rest of the world.
But I AM TIRED OF THE WORLD!!!!
I have tried this world.... over and over and over.... and every time, it leaves me empty.
I just want Jesus. All of Him. None of me.
Changes are coming. And I can't wait!
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