I need to say this because I am not sure where this will go and after I type it all if I will have the strength to edit it.
Everything is so raw and fresh but I need to get it out before I forget some of it. I want to remember our story so I can show them how God showed out for them both.
I can't promise I won't ramble, or that I won't chase rabbits, or be all over the place, but I can promise I will be real and I will try to glorify God in all I share.... because that is what this is all about anyway, right? This life... To Glorify God in all we do!
So here we go...
The boys are gone. It sucks.
I am not alone in my suffering either. Not only do I shed tears for my own boys and my own heart, but I have friends and a sister who are suffering too and so when I am not crying (and sometimes when I am) for mine, I am crying for them and theirs. And then I cry for those who may not ever come back. The ones who are just as deserving of a chance as any of us, but who haven't found their family or have passed "the age" of adoption. And so, I cry for them too. Like precious 11yo Nastya, who is so broken and so beautiful and desperately needs her forever family to find her and rescue her from herself and her life. She needs someone to search for her and find her and bring her home and show her who Christ is and how His love is real and doesn't hurt but fulfills. How His love can heal all her broken places and restore her to something more beautiful than she can imagine. She needs a mom and a dad to tell her, "We love you and you matter. You are not trash." So when I cry, I cry for her too.
There are so many other stories, faces, souls that have touched me and moved me in a direction I never knew existed. I said to a friend tonight, "I feel like I exist in a different world, like an altered universe." It's definitely not the same world I use to live in, the world before my boys. The world where "things" mattered. Even as far away from things as God has moved me in the last 15 years, I didn't realize how attached to them I still was. But now, now that they are gone.... no-THING matters. Only my God, His glory, and my family.... all of them, bio, faith and otherwise... people. That's WHO matters!
I told you this would be all over the place so bare with me...
Through this entire process, since the day we decided to host Y, Sammy and I have watched, literally watched, the hand of God move. There are so many ways He has moved on behalf of these boys and our family there is no way I can tell them all. But it is absolutely incredible to be on this side of adoption and see God work on behalf of these children. While the world is in utter chaos and spiraling out of control and strait to Hell... He is meticulously and systematically moving on behalf on these special children. It. Is. Amazing. and Beautiful!!
Our God is Big and He handles Big Things, but He doesn't leave the small ones behind, because they matter to Him. He has a heart for the orphan. Period. (John 14:15-21)
As some of you know, Y doesn't come from the best place. Let's just say, it's not the Hilton and leave it at that. I have been praying specifically for both our boys and their safety the last few weeks. Not just safety from the war, but personal safety. I have been asking God to give them favor in the eyes of their caretakers and to provide an abundance of food to the orphanage for all the children so they can eat 3 meals a day and be full. I have been asking God to take opportunities to reveal himself to these children and to let them see His light that is with them! I actually said, "God, you brought these boys here for a purpose. To be exposed to you and Your Light, and they have. Your light is on them, because it is on us. So take your Light back with them and allow it to shine bright and allow it's power to manifest in their lives.... protect them with it and let them know it is all YOU!!"..... sometimes I get expectant with God. But that is okay. There are many verses that tell us to pray expectantly, but my favorite is Hebrews 4:16. Not because, I have God under my thumb and He is going to do what I want, but because I have Faith in My God and when we are praying His will over our lives, we can't go wrong! That is all I want for these boys... for all my kids...., God's perfect will for them!!
The tears started for Y about a week before he left. The anticipation for the day was almost more than he could take. At first, the emotional response came in the form of rebellion. He just got real distant. I would call him my little gangster when he acted like that! Ha! He thought it was funny! I would sing Santana "Yurah, Yurah.... you remind me of a Westside story..." Haha! He did... they both did actually. Anyway, he wasn't being himself and I couldn't figure out why... then it hit me... So I asked, "Tell me what is REALLY bothering you... why are you so upset"... to which he looked at me with those big blue eyes and I thought I could actually see his soul and said... "Me... NO UKRAINE" and he lost it.... So I lost it... and then Samantha lost it.... (she walked in on the fiasco) After that, it was a nightly occurrence. Every night, we would cry and I would assure him how much we loved him and that I was praying for him fervently. When Wednesday morning came, I didn't think I was going to find the strength to take even one step. I was BEGGING God to move my body for me. I barely slept and felt like I had been hit by a very large truck. Somehow, by the Strength of God, I moved. The whole ride to the airport was a roller coaster. He had asked me for several days NOT to cry at the airport. He would say "Mommy, you NO cry airport, OKAY?".... To which I translated, "You cannot ask that of me. All I will promise is I will try my best to not lose it." Beautiful, precious Nastya that I mentioned earlier rode to the airport with us so that was a nice distraction for all of us. She was sweet and of course the boys were happy to have a beautiful girl to ride in the car with us. I mean, they are 14 year old boys. Y tried to share a bucket seat with her.... I thought I was going to have to physically remove him from the seat! Ha
I need to back up and say that Sammy and I wanted to get both our boys a phone for when they were in Ukraine so we could talk to them and keep up with them. I knew getting A one would be easier because of who he would be with. Getting Y one would be trickier because I didn't really know anyone going back with him or from the region he is from, etc... So I asked my sweet friend Taryn, with Grace to Ukraine, if she knew of way for me to get him a phone. Of course, she did and it was a perfect plan, the only thing that needed to happen for it to work, would be for the person she was volunteering to say yes! And she did, with ease!! This lady, whom I have never met, bought my son a phone in Ukraine, took it to the airport and waited on him to give it to him... ON THE WRONG DAY!! She was given the wrong flight information.... but did she get angry... no, she went back on the next day to give it to him....
So, back to the airport. I had been telling him that someone was meeting him at the airport with his phone. He was so excited to be getting one. I kept reminding him how much we loved him and we would be keeping up with him and communicating with him. When we arrived at the airport, the tears came heavily. For both of us. I was a complete wreck. Sweet Nastya kept hugging me telling me, "It's okay, no cry".... which made me cry worse!!We get to the ticket counter to get his ticket printed and the lady at the counter says, "Oh baby, he'll be back... you'll see...now don't you cry, your gonna make me cry..." She had registered several other kids so she knew why we were there. After registering there was a bunch of standing around waiting so more time for crying... As I was standing there with Sammy and the kids, the lady from the counter came and tapped me on the shoulder... she said "Baby, would you like a gate pass so you can go back with your baby and walk him to the gate?" I said, "Wait, what? You can do that?!?"... She said, "yeah, hunny, we don't normally, but Ima do it for you!!" Well I didn't have my wallet so Sammy had to go to the car to get it. In the meantime, you remember my friend Taryn, well I told her what my tears had won me.... So what does she do?? What any normal person would do... She walked right up to the counter and asked if she could have one too!! (and all her 50 friends!) Ha! So, thanks to my tears, we all got to walk them to the gate! Y cried the whole time. I tried so hard to be strong for him.... I cried, but not how I needed too. He kept looking at me with such fear in his eyes... Like to say "Is this when you are leaving.... Is it time yet..." I kept saying, "It's okay baby, you are going to be okay, mommy is praying for you, right now. God will take care of you!" I translated again about his Bible I had bought Him and what it says in John about not leaving us as orphans and that I wanted him to read John as soon as he could. I was trying to say anything to distract him. When we finally arrived at the gate, I knew I couldn't stay. We had to leave to get back at a certain time. There was no easy way to leave him. I just knelt beside him, kissed his cheek and said "Buddy, mommy go".... He grabbed me. For a moment I was afraid he might not let go. I told him again I loved him BIG and I would talk to him soon. He let go and I left.
He was gone, and I was a broken mess. The ride home was quiet, except for the occasional "Mommy, It's okay?" From my sweet A who was still with me. He was so worried about me. I didn't know what to do. These emotions and feelings were all new and hard and ugly. I just cried and prayed. I prayed for Y and A and me and Sammy and our bio kids. I prayed for Ukraine and Russia and adoptions and anything else I could think of. I begged God and then just said his name over and over. It was a mess. And how was I going to do this all over again in two days....
That night about 6:30 I was sitting on the couch and my phone started ringing... the number said Texas. I was thinking, "Who in the world is calling me from Texas??"... I answered it... and on the other end was another angel. Another angel who had taken my broken boy and comforted him and loved on him in my place. God was already providing for him. She introduced herself and told me how she saw me leave Y and how she and her husband just watched as I walked away how hurt and broken he was. So they went and got him. They brought him to sit by them and proceeded to love on him, comfort him and encourage him. They sat with my boy the entire time until he boarded his plane. They listened as he went through his entire picture album of 200 pictures and told them about each one. They bought him a coke. (His love language) and they did for him what I couldn't, in my absence. When she called me, she said "I just had to let you know. I just had to tell you how much he loves you and how much you and your family have impacted him." She text me later to say she couldn't quit thinking about him and us and how her life would never be the same because of meeting him. What she doesn't understand though, is how my life will never be the same because of the way she allowed God to use her in the life of my sweet boy and how she was systematically an answer to specific prayers I had been praying!! My faith is stronger because of her obedience!
When the flight landed in Ukraine, the lady with the phone met Y and was able to give it to him. She messaged me later that day that he seemed okay, tired, but okay and VERY happy to have his phone. She gave me the number and told me she would check in with him in a few days. To her, this was just a simple message, but to me... this was another way God was providing for my boy. Here all these other hosting/adopting mamma's put their babies on a plane with no idea of how they would communicate with them again, and here i have this angel who has selflessly volunteered to "check in on him"... Not only that, but I knew he was there, safe and happy for a phone!! What a gracious God we serve.
I tried Yuri's phone a bunch. Up until 1am, when I dozed off for a few minutes... then at 2 i woke up suddenly and I looked at my phone and she had messaged me. I had told her I was having a hard time with the number and I wasn't able to get him. I asked her if she spoke to him to please tell him how very much I love him and missed him already and that no matter what anyone ever told him, daddy and I were working very hard to bring him back to America and no matter what happened we would always love him.
Her message said: "I hope you are sleeping now, ;) but I just talked to him. He sounded good and said he knows his login and password. I told him if he has problems to be sure to call me. Assured him that I will try to call once a week or so, but that if he needs anything or just wants to talk to feel free to call me any time.
When I told him that you said to tell him that you said that you love him and miss him already I could hear the tears forming as he spoke. Broke my heart.
I assured him that I am in Ukraine and will be in touch with you and him and told him that you had tried to send a text message yesterday but were pretty sure it wasn't sending. He said he didn't get it, and I told him that we would keep trying, but that he should try to sign into fb and message you there.
I will add him to my fb as well and see if I can help.
Praying for his heart today. And for yours. MAN, I hate all the mess their hearts have to go through."
I lost it... I cried... heavy and hard. I cried because I was so thankful for her and her heart and because I missed my boy so much and wanted to comfort him and tell him it's going to be okay. I wanted to be there for him and I couldn't. God was so gracious in allowing me this jewel of a woman to comfort him when I couldn't.
I still haven't talked to him. His phone doesn't have service where he is and that is something we were afraid of. That is why I teeter between the place of trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind. I just want to hear his voice.... I want to hear him say, "It's okay, mommy".... I can't even type this without crying... I can barely see the screen.
I. Miss. My. Boys.
I thought about telling A's story in a separate post but I'm on a roll so hang on....
A and Y couldn't be any more different. I think the only thing they have in common is their language! Ha! They are just different. Their personalities, the way they respond to life, the way they respond to food, the way they play, what they like, the way they dress, the sports they like (or don't)... I mean Y rides roller coasters, A doesn't. They are just opposites. It's funny actually when I think about it. A is hard. He has a "love me if you can" heir about him. It's obvious that it's from a lack of love in his life. He just doesn't know how to receive it or respond to it. He was quiet at first and stayed to himself, but once he came out of his shell and was comfortable with us, I could tell he was an amazing kid with so much to give! He wants to be loved and he wants to receive it. I see him struggling, wrestling with forgiveness and grace. It was all so new to him and confusing. When I talked to A about God, he always rolled his eyes. He rolled his eyes a lot! Ha... I told him they were going to roll into the floor one day! His hurt runs deep. And he doesn't care about this "God" we claim loves him. Not yet anyway!! Even with all his roughness and "love me if you can" attitude, there is something about him that melts you. He cares if you are happy or angry. He never wanted me to be upset or cry. He was quick to apologize when he had gone too far and I could tell he was angry with himself. I always assured him, i would always forgive him and love him no matter what. There was nothing he could do to lose my love. Each time, I think he was amazed that I wasn't upset anymore and had forgiven him. He has a super soft side. He absolutely LOVED Hudson and to watch him with Huddy would have melted anyones heart. He was teaching him Russian... It was the cutest thing. Parker too. Parker and A had a special bond. Even though they fought, there was a deep love there. Just almost automatic. I guess he felt safe with Hudson and Parker. Only God knows.
He had my heart from the first day I saw him. I knew he was my son. There is no explanation for it. Only God could have put that there. I immediately started praying for him and for us and for how in the world I was going to tell Sammy! I knew that in order for this to work, God was going to have to bond Y and A's hearts and quickly. I prayed secretly without telling anyone. I took Y to meet A and instantly they were best friends... I knew God had answered me. I told Sammy about him and asked him if he could consider two. His reaction was just more confirmation... "He said, how can we not. We have room." I knew what he meant... The rest is, how do they say,... "History" :)
Life with the two of them wasn't easy.
Life with the two of them wasn't easy.
In fact, sometimes... It was impossible. There were moments I knew I wasn't going to make it. Which is exactly when I was reminded this wasn't mine to do anyway. It was His... the One who's plan this was from the beginning. They are typical teenage boys except they speak a different language and they have lots of baggage. But they are ours and we love them with an unconditional love from our Father and through our Savior!
The last week of A's stay was VERY VERY rocky. His way of dealing with the pain was by withdrawing from us completely to the point of saying he didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. I can't even describe the pain of hearing that. I was assured by everyone it was just him responding to the pain of leaving but it didn't make it any easier to hear... It was rocky... Until the day Y left. I think that jolted A back into reality and he wanted to savor every last moment with us because he was precious. Which made his leaving even harder. I wasn't as worried about him as I was Y because I knew the people he was with. I know the other kids and the adults that would be traveling with him and I know he will be checked on and thought about often by other's besides me. I was however going to MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!! That is the hardest part... MISSING THEM... It wasn't until that day, Friday, that I heard him for the first time same, "Mommy, me no Ukraine..." And I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. I had only seen him cry one other time. I broke. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and how hard daddy and I were working to bring him back home as quickly as we could.
The bus ride there was different because there were so many kids and people and it was loud and hard to get lost in your thoughts. Once we were at the airport though and the reality set in that this was it... the tears were unstoppable. There is no way to describe the feeling of watching your child walk away to board an airplane to go to a country where he will not be loved by a mom and dad. Where no one cares that he has nightmares and is scared. Where no one cares if he brushed his teeth or has on clean underwear. Where no one cares if he is just having a "day" and needs some extra TLC.... It feels wrong... Everything inside of me wanted to run screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO" but then I would have been arrested because he was already through security and that wouldn't have been good for our home study!
( I need to insert in here somewhere, we also got A a phone so we could stay in touch with him and so did many of the other kids that are with him so we will get to hear about how he is often!! Another way God is providing for these sweet kiddos!!)
We stayed and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. He (they all) kept turning around and waving. These 12 beautiful children with faces I will never forget because I am forever changed because of them, they just walked off and faded in the distance. Some will be back, some won't. Some will have forever families, some won't. Only God knows what the future holds for all of them. But for us, for now, we are fighting with everything we have to bring our boys home.
The country isn't safe. They are being attacked while the world watches. AND MY BABIES ARE THERE!! I have to get them home. And any of you, reading this, if you have any inkling that you are called to adopt, please consider Ukraine. I know there are many orphans all around the world with just as dire a circumstance, but I am just asking you to please, consider Ukraine. Ask God if this could be the place where your child is!!
Life is different now for the Tice's. Our home feels empty and it feels incomplete. We need our boys home with us. We need their beds to have them sleeping in them and their drawers to be filled with their clothes. We need them at our dinner table and in our van on the way to church. We need there mess to be around the house with the rest of our messes!! WE NEED THEM HOME!!
Trusting God is not easy. It's hard because we have to let go of ourselves. We have to give Him control of our lives and for us that is hard because we think we need to be in control. That we could do so much better if God would just listen. But every time we try, we fail miserably and He takes us back each and every time.
Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
So this is where I am... somewhere between Trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind....
Pray for us. Pray for Ukraine. Pray for orphans. Pray that God will move you out of your comfortable place and on behalf of the fatherless.
We may not all be called to parent an orphan, but we are ALL called to care for them.
