It's 1:00am.... I am past the point of exhaustion, and yet, here I sit. Staring at this computer. My mind is racing. So many thoughts about so many things... I thought, "I should write these down."
I never want to forget this moment. This moment in my life right now. I am closer to my God than I ever thought possible and yet feel so far from Him. Growing and walking with the Lord shows many things, one of those being how much of sinner you really are. I am thankful for conviction. I am thankful for a God that doesn't leave me in my sin, to rot and waste away. But rescues me. Saves me. Convicts me. I am thankful He would even consider using me, and that He actually does.
I know the comments people are making. I hear them. I feel them. "WHAT are they thinking?" "They have 4 kids already" "They can't afford two more kids" "She has too much on her plate already, she won't be able to handle this" "What about her biological kids?" and the list goes on and on. So many times, I hear these comments and I want to feel defeated. I want to scream, "Yes!! Yes, you are right!!" Because, you are! We do have 4 children already, money is tight and I do have a lot on my plate. I said these exact same things to my God.... but you know what He said to me?? "This is not about you and what you CAN'T do. This is about ME and what I CAN!!" I cannot argue with that. I don't. From the beginning, when I felt Him tell me this is what He was calling us to, I have realized, there is no use in arguing. He is my God. The one I "say" I am following. The question became, "Do you truly follow me? Even when it's hard? Even when it looks crazy?" And I say, emphatically, YES!!
For the last 15 years at least, maybe longer, I have prayed for peace. Those of you that know me, know what my struggles have been. I have begged God, for hours on end, for just a little peace. I wanted worry and anxiety to be something I was looking back on. I longed for the day those things were a memory. Well guess what, I HAVE PEACE!!!!!! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have NO ANXIETY and NO WORRY!! I have absolutely no doubts that I am EXACTLY where God wants me. You can question us all you want. But know this, I HAVE PEACE. I finally can comprehend a peace that surpasses all understanding.(Phill 4:7) Because this is the CRAZIEST time in my life. A time when you would think peace would be the last thing I would feel, but I do and it is amazing. Funny how my God works. Giving me peace in the midst of absolute chaos. While my world is whirling around me, here He is, right in the middle, right where He promises to be, holding me up.
I haven't doubted from the beginning if this was God calling us to this. The way He has orchestrated things. I keep saying if I have learned anything so far it is that God has a heart for the orphans. They belong to Him. He is their Father. He don't play around when it comes to them!! (Psalm 68:5)
But please, please don't confuse my peace with ease.
There is nothing easy about what we are doing.
It is the hardest thing we have ever done in our entire lives. And this is only the beginning.
These angels, these orphans, these children, have invaded our home, our lives, our family and our hearts. We will never be the same. We are forever marked by the love we have for these two sweet boys and forever changed by their love for us.
As I sit here, thinking about them, about their eyes, their hands, their kisses, their hugs, their hearts, tears are streaming down my face. How could I ever expect to love two boys I didn't even know two months ago, as a momma loves her newborn baby? And yet I do.
Fear consumes me.
That's right. Fear.
Peace and fear.
That is my battle.
But not the fears you are thinking.
My fear, is that they will not be mine. That by some chance, by some fate, they will not be mine. I fight it daily. The thought of losing them. That we won't be approved for both. Our house isn't big enough. We don't make enough money. We have too many children already. And so on and so on...
Then I hear it, that still small voice, calling me back to Him.
Away from the fears that are not from Him, and back to His arms where the Truth is.
And the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. But my God does. And I trust Him. Because, I am RIGHT where He wants me, and in that place is peace. So here I will stay. With Him directing my steps. Each. And. Every. One.
Hosting, Adoption, Orphans, it's all hard. Not hard because your life is turned upside down and you have to make changes to your regular routines. Not hard because your budget is stretched and you have to feed more people. Not hard because now there are more kids to referee and teach and nurture and correct and praise.
Yes, those things are harder.
But it's hard because your heart is pulled and stretched and jerked and jolted in ways you never thought imaginable. It's hard because you are gifted with love unconditional and you are asked to blindly trust what happens with that love. You are asked to walk with your eyes closed to what happens next. You are asked to relinquish any and all control over to your Creator and let Him guide each step.
I can't begin to guess how this ends.
I can tell you it will be marvelous. It will be better than I could do it. It will be what is best for everyone involved. And it will bring glory to my God.
I'm okay with all of that. Even when it doesn't look like I think it should. And it won't. Because it never does.
I covet your prayers. Now more than ever. For me, for Sammy, for our bio kids and for these two boys that have stolen our hearts.
In 6 very short weeks, they will leave our home and go back to theirs. After that, it's only God who knows when we will see them again.
I can't even begin to imagine letting them go. I know when they do, part of me will go with them.
So when you pray, remember us!
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