(This has been weighing on me for some time to write about. Something I know we all struggle with.... all my precious friends who are fearfully and wonderfully made!!! I love you all!!!)
So...You know that lie.... the one Satan is constantly throwing at us? "You will never measure up to..." Fill in the blank with whatever your ______ is.... Maybe it's another mom, maybe its your own mom, maybe it's a someone at work, someone on tv, someone on a blog, someone you have just made up in your mind... but we have all heard the lie. It also takes on the form, "You aren't good enough." or "You can't do this" or "You don't have what it takes" and many others...
so here's the truth in that statement... ready for it.... YOU WILL NEVER MEASURE UP!
There I said it... Don't you feel better?? Haha...
But seriously... it is the truth. For me, for you, for all of us. Because what we are trying to measure up to isn't real. It is the "reality" we have made up in our minds of what we think "perfect" should be. And it is one of Satan's most powerful weapons... COMPARISON...
We see other mom's, other women, we read about them, or we hear about them, and then in our heads, we create this warp picture of what the perfect woman looks like and what she does. What her house looks like, what her dinner taste like, what her laundry smells like (because she has only had to wash and dry it once), what her kids act like (and I can guarantee you she never has to grit her teeth and talk in a slight demonic crazy voice just to be heard), what her husband thinks of her (along the lines of super model meets martha steward meets super nanny), etc.... We make up this LIE of what we "should" be and the truth is NO ONE measures up.... We can't!
We have to stop listening to the enemy and let go... Let go of the lie that we keep telling ourselves when we don't get the laundry done. Ever. Let go of the lie we tell ourselves when our kids ate cereal for dinner. (yeah, it happens) Let go of the lie we tell ourselves when all we can say we accomplished that day was that "no one died".... Let go of the lie we tell ourselves when we haven't had our "quiet time" for the 18th time in a row...(you know the lie that we must not really be a Christian if we can't even sit down for 15 minutes and spend quality time with the Lord.... God must really be aggravated with me.... Don't mis-read me... quiet time is vital... VITAL... but for OUR GOOD, not God's. He desires us to spend time with Him because He knows it is what is best for us. He's not keeping tally marks and every time we miss our quiet time giving us a "check" beside our name.... Our quiet time is for our benefit... It is not a "job" or a "duty"... It's literally food for your soul!! If you think of it more as a necessity to survive the day, you may be more likely to accomplish it.... you know, like drinking coffee!! Post scripture all over your house so you can read it even if you don't have time to sit down... Play it out loud on your phone while you are fixing breakfast... Have one of your kids read it out loud in the car... Be creative... Make reading God's word a part of your every day life... Make it matter!!)
Ladies, the truth is, we can't do it all. Let me say that again.... WE CANT DO IT ALL!!!!
It is not humanly possible.... If it was, we wouldn't need God. And he wants to be needed. He created us that way. To need Him. To not be able to do this life without Him. Sometimes, at the end of the day, if all you can say is "no one died", then you accomplished all you were suppose to accomplish that day.
Stop trying to measure up and just LIVE. Stop thinking about all the things you haven't done and concentrate on the things you are doing. Stop living for the next moment, the next list, and live in the moment.... Jesus told us not to even think about tomorrow (Matthew 6).... He knew what doing this would bring on us... more worry. And if we are focused on the next thing, then we are missing the VERY THING HE IS SHOWING US RIGHT NOW!! Each moment has something beautiful in it. There is joy in each day. We just have to be purposeful to look for it, not past it.
When you wake up in the morning, breathe. DEEP. Soak it in. Soak in the fact that you have awaken to another day in God's glorious creation and your salvation is still as real for you today as it was yesterday. Lay there for a minute and just bask in the goodness of a God who loved you so much He sent His son to die in your place. Soak it in... Even if there are kids screaming or babies crying or a husband demanding (because sometimes that's what we all wake up too).... even if for only a minute.... SOAK. IT. IN.... Let that be what you start you day out with.... The TRUTH! Thank Him for another day to glorify Him and then tell yourself "You will not measure up to the lie today, but you will measure up to the truth... which is that Jesus, yeah, He died for me, and that is enough to get me through this day...."
Then take your day one crazy, tragic, soap opera moment at a time. Whatever that looks like for you, dive into it fulling knowing that whatever you get done, will be enough. It will have to be. Because it is all you have.
One thing we have to remember is that God ordained our steps for us. He has us exactly where He wants us for His glory and His purpose. So whatever that looks like for you, stop, and think about it, think about where you are right now and how God, in his righteousness, is going to work it out for good because that is His promise. (Romans 8:28)
These days are for glorifying God in everything. In every moment. (I Cor 10:31, Colossians 3:17) Do not waste them worrying about what you AREN'T doing or CAN'T do or what someone else, you are certain, is doing better and more efficient. Focus on what you are doing. Focus on the joy He has given you for today.
And always remember....
Comparison is the thief of Joy!!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
It's a PUZZLE FUNDRAISER kinda day!!
Good morning friends!! What a beautiful day for a fundraiser don't you think??? We do too!! We got this idea from a sweet friend who is adopting from Ukraine for the second time and my sister just did this fundraiser to make her first payment toward her adoption!
We thought we would give it a try!
We have another payment due of $2200 in just a few days! We have $250 due NOW for Yuri's hosting and then another $1000 due in 7-10 days. Also, we need to file for our passports as soon as possible which will be roughly $250 (UPDATE: This was raised on our Youcaring.com site because we needed it quickly.. Now we are raising money for the rest of the hosting fee and our next payment we will be making in a few months!!)
.... Phew.... this adoption thing is CHEAP!! NOT!!! hahahaha
So, here's the deal... We have purchased a 100 piece puzzle of the world... (pictured below)
We thought we would give it a try!
We have another payment due of $2200 in just a few days! We have $250 due NOW for Yuri's hosting and then another $1000 due in 7-10 days. Also, we need to file for our passports as soon as possible which will be roughly $250 (UPDATE: This was raised on our Youcaring.com site because we needed it quickly.. Now we are raising money for the rest of the hosting fee and our next payment we will be making in a few months!!)
.... Phew.... this adoption thing is CHEAP!! NOT!!! hahahaha
So, here's the deal... We have purchased a 100 piece puzzle of the world... (pictured below)
We are asking you, our awesome friends and family, to purchase a piece for $25. (of course you can purchase more if you want!!) The goal is to sell all 100 pieces and raise $2500. :))
As the pieces are sold, we will write your name on the back of the puzzle and keep the list updated here so you can see how close we are. When the puzzle is complete, we will frame it and keep it in our house to remember how you all helped us get our boys home!!
Thank you in advance for helping!! We love you all more than words!!
Purchase your puzzle piece here....
Monday, September 15, 2014
Update on our boys and us :)
I've been wanting to write for a while and update everyone on where we are in the process and how our boys are since they left. But, life gets in the way of blogging.... it just does! Ha
Life since they left has been fine, missing something, but okay. Everyone misses them and everything reminds us of them....
I will never eat anything without thinking about them, because each time I do, I pray they are eating. One of the things they both shared with us was that they didn't eat very well. Food seemed to be scarce. They have some meals prepared for them by the orphanage, but they also were given a small amount of money (equiv to about $20 US) each MONTH to buy what they need. Y would say he would buy food and gum and any thing he really NEEDED at the time. I'm constantly praying for their provision while they are away from us.
There really isn't a single thing that I do throughout my day that doesn't remind me of them, from reading my Bible (which always got an eye roll from A...ha), to fixing my coffee (which was always followed by "Y coffee too mommy"), to taking a shower (which I am sure they are NOT doing... Y would shower with his clothes on for the first couple of days until I caught on... He did that because he has to wash his own clothes and he figured he would kill two birds with one stone) (he also told me he showers with eggs when he does because he doesn't have soap but they have plenty of eggs thanks to all their chickens), to riding anywhere in the van (because I had to make a calendar of whose day it was to sit in the front seat with mommy), to going to ANY store where there are things to buy (always their favorite and the source of many of our arguments!! HA), to cooking (because Y loved to help me cook), to bedtime (because telling them goodnight was one of my favorite things because of how excited they were every night for our kiss and hug good night... and I know where they are, no one is tucking them in), to EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!! They are a part of our family...a missing part!
So as I said in my last post we bought both boys a phone. Well, as of now, neither one of them have them. A's was taken from him by an older boy within the first couple of days back :( and Y, well, who knows what happened to his after his accident.
I have spoken to A once and he seems to be "ok". He said he misses us and wants to come home. I have spoken to him via other children that are with him and they assure me they are looking out for him. He had a hard time making friends but seems to be finally making some now. (He is in an entirely new orphanage) He says school is fine but he is just "very bored to be with me again".... that was a direct translation! Haha!! He also sent me a picture of himself and another boy and said "the boy in the picture wants to know if he can come to America and live with us too."..... Yeah.... heart breaking.... at least it means he is telling good stories about being here!
I haven't spoken to Y since he got out of the hospital. As most of you know already, the day Y returned from Ukraine, as he was exiting the bus, he was hit by a car. He said he had to go to the bathroom really bad so he looked really quick and didn't see a car so he took off and then a car came out of no where. He had a concussion and a brain hemorrhage. He was unconscious for a day or so and in ICU, but he was moved to a regular room about 3 days after the accident and stayed in the hospital about a week. He is back in the orphanage now though and according to the doctors, he will be fine and there will not be any long term effects from the accident.
I cannot even begin to talk about how gracious God was during the whole accident of Y. God had impressed upon me for weeks before Y left to pray for his protection while he was back in Ukraine so I did and I had others pray... Who knows what those prayers did.... It could have been so much worse...He could have died....
When I received the news of his accident, he had already been moved to a regular room and I was able to speak to him, but I can't imagine if I had heard about it when it happened and he was in ICU. For the 2.5 hours between knowing he had been in an accident and talking to him, I experienced grief like I never have in my life. I cried from the depth of my soul. I knew I loved him before, but that day, I realized it was deeper than I knew. I truly love these boys as if I gave birth to them myself. If I had not been able to talk to him and to "know" he was okay, It would have killed me.... I would have been on the FIRST plane to Ukraine and my sister would have gone with me!!
The day I found out was an awful and wonderful day all at the same time. It was awful because of what had happened to my child in another country a world away from me, but it was wonderful to watch God move on behalf of this sweet child in amazing ways!! It was the Tuesday after he returned and I had been trying to call his phone since Friday. I never could get anyone to answer until Sunday morning. I called once and a man answered and he was very agitated. All I could understand him to say was Y no and Machina... (machine is car in Ukrainian)....I called an hour later and a lady answered and she was nicer but still adamant about Y and a car.... I didn't know what to do. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out how to get in touch with him. I messaged the lady who bought him the phone and asked her if she could try and get in touch with him when she got a minute. In the meantime I continued to try and call the phone. It wasnt until Tuesday morning that I got someone to answer... same story again. This time I text Suzette and Heidi and asked them to please have one of their kids call and see if they could understand what the man was saying. I sat and waited very patiently by my phone (right Suzette!! PATIENTLY!) ha... It had been an hour and I hadn't heard anything from her... I knew something was wrong and she was trying to get to the bottom of it before she called... I text her "What's the word?"... She called me and the first thing she said was... "Don't freak out..." I immediately started to cry... Then she proceeded to tell me what the person on the phone said but that we couldn't necessary believe it because it could just be a bad joke and she was trying to get in touch with the orphanage to see if it was true. She told me to just wait and be patient and they would figure this out.... so, that's what I did... NOT!!!
So here is one way God completely provided..... That Sunday before, a man introduced himself to my husband at church. He just walked up, pulled Sammy to the side and said "Hi, I'm ____ and I heard about you and your wife and I am so excited about what y'all are doing. I worked in Ukraine for several years and my wife is from Ukraine. We would love to have dinner with you guys and help you in anyway we can."... Well Tuesday morning was a "...In anyway we can..." to me! As soon as i hung up with Suzette, I called everyone I knew to get his number. I finally tracked him down and was able to speak to his wife. I don't think I will ever be able to truly thank her for how she helped me that day. I was a MESS.... I could barely talk over my panic and crying and my kids BEGGING me to tell them what was going on.... I finally was able to ramble the story out and give her all the info I had, names, phone numbers, locations, etc.... She left me with an "Okay, I am going to need some time, but I will find him and I will find out what has happened. I will talk to you soon." It was like in that moment she had known me my entire life and she was experiencing my pain with me...
In the meantime my dear friend Stephanie had called me and I just blurted "y has been hit by a car... can you come over".... Like always, she dropped what she was doing to help me. She was there in what seemed like seconds... time moved so slow and so fast all at the same time that day.
At this time, I still didn't know he was ok. I was planning out in my head how I was going to get the money to get to Ukraine. 'Who could I beg to give me money and take care of my babies while I was gone? Who could go with me? How was I going to burry a child in another country without my friends and family?' (yeah, I went there)....
About 2 hours (the LONGEST two hours of my life) after we hung up... The angel whom God placed in my path a few days before for this very purpose, called back. Her news was brief and almost as devastating as the first news I received. She said she was able to confirm with his orphanage that he was indeed hit by a car, but that he was "Okay with just some bumps and bruises" She said they were so vague she knew there was more, but they wouldn't give her anymore information. They wouldn't even tell her what hospital he was in. Well, that didn't stop her. She said she just "had a feeling" about which hospital he was in so she called it and low and behold, it was the right one! (what?!?! insert a huge God moment here...) The only information she could get from the hospital at the time, was that he was there, but he was in Emergency which according to her was bad news. She said in "emergency" you are receiving serious care and you cannot have visitors or phone calls. She said it did not sound good. God love her... I completely lost it... I couldn't stand up, or see, and I was pretty sure I was going to stop breathing. She assured me she wasn't going to give up even though they had told her she couldn't get anymore information until tomorrow. (Who IS this lady?!?!) She let me go so she could continue to call.
I don't have to tell you how I was after that... You can just imagine the worst... That was me... My kids were amazing... they each just hugged me and sat with me and brought me tissue and rubbed my back. They would say things like "mommy, I know he is okay, I just KNOW it".... I have amazingly sweet kids....
She finally called back about 30 minutes later... thank GOD!! The first thing she said was, "I spoke to him, and he is okay".... Of course I lost it again.... This time out of sheer gratitude! She said the first thing he said was, "How is my mommy, does she know I am okay?".... She said he was sitting by the phone waiting on my call so for me to call right away. Well of course I called, but I didn't even think about how I was going to talk to him, let alone ASK for him... thank goodness he was sitting by the phone... the lady that answered said to him, "Y, lady Americana" Ha... How'd she know?? He said hello and I said hello and we both immediately began crying.... His voice was the sweetest thing I had ever heard on the other end of a phone before.... He was alive and he was okay!! The conversation quickly ran out seeing as how I don't speak Russian or Ukrainian and he doesn't know very much English! haha... so, I asked him to wait one minute and I put him on hold and called Suzette! She was almost home but not yet so I explained what was going on and then clicked back over to Y. She talked to him for a second and then when she got home, she put us on speaker phone and Y, me Suzette and all of her Ukrainian kids talked on the phone!! It was quite an experience but one I will NEVER forget and will be forever grateful for.... Y'all, if you only knew Suzette's heart for these kids.... It's really as big as the sky.... Y'all head on over to Grace to Ukraine on Facebook and check out what amazing things they are doing!! (shameless plug)
I was able to talk to Y every day that he was in the hospital! Thanks to some other precious Ukrainian kids that belong to another dear friend Heidi and to some precious Ukrainian translators... God provided someone every day! It was wonderful. He also provided an angel who lives in Ukraine to go and visit Y twice while he was there and take him treats and take pictures for me. God provided in endless ways for him and me during that time....
It has been sad not being able to talk to him, but others have been checking on him for me and I am thankful for that.
I just want them home.
Life isn't the same without them here.
We are almost finished with the home study process of our adoption which is a BIG part of the process. To finish it up, we need to pay another $2200. We are about $500 away from meeting that goal, but I know God will provided it! He has provided every penny up to this point and I know he will continue to do so. As soon as we complete the home study, we can begin to apply for grants which will hopefully fill in a big chunk of the 45k we still need :)
We have had so many people step up to do fundraisers it is absolutely overwhelming. My sweet friend Tina started our Facebook page and is hosting a Christmas craft fair at our church on Nov 22. My sweet friend Stephanie is hosting a yard sale at her house on Oct 10 and 11. Our precious friend Matthew is running the entire month of October in the "Minus One Run" that he started last year for the adoption of his daughter Vivi, and he is donating all proceeds to us (just heard about this a few minutes ago)... Other people have offered fundraisers and other ways they want to help us raise money.....In addition to the many people who have stepped up and have given money. We are beyond moved by all of your help!
Please continue to share our story and help get the word out so others can give and help us get our boys home quickly!!!
Most of all, continue to pray... Your prayers are what keep us going!!!
If I can assure you of anything about this entire journey it is that God is right here in the middle of it with us. I haven't doubted Him one single time. We have been thrown some major curve balls. But every time God leaves me with the assurance that we are right where we are supposed to be and right where He put us. I am so thankful for the version of the gospel I can see now. That is what this is al about anyway right?? The gospel? Isn't that what EVERYTHING is about? The adoption of us into the family of God. The price he paid for that adoption, and how all He ask of us in return is to love Him and love others. Not the kind of love we think of, selfish, self righteous love, but real genuine love... 1 Cor 13 love. (It's no coincidence the kids and I started memorizing it back in May) Truly thinking of others above ourselves. It's not easy, but it is necessary, if we truly want to see God's heart and experience Him. Only in our humility can He rest on us. Only in our weakness can He be strong. Only in our brokenness can we be made whole. I'm thankful for how humiliating this process has been for me. I want Him to continue to break me down.... less of me and more of Him. It's a painful, beautiful journey and I cannot wait to see where He will take us next.....
Life since they left has been fine, missing something, but okay. Everyone misses them and everything reminds us of them....
I will never eat anything without thinking about them, because each time I do, I pray they are eating. One of the things they both shared with us was that they didn't eat very well. Food seemed to be scarce. They have some meals prepared for them by the orphanage, but they also were given a small amount of money (equiv to about $20 US) each MONTH to buy what they need. Y would say he would buy food and gum and any thing he really NEEDED at the time. I'm constantly praying for their provision while they are away from us.
There really isn't a single thing that I do throughout my day that doesn't remind me of them, from reading my Bible (which always got an eye roll from A...ha), to fixing my coffee (which was always followed by "Y coffee too mommy"), to taking a shower (which I am sure they are NOT doing... Y would shower with his clothes on for the first couple of days until I caught on... He did that because he has to wash his own clothes and he figured he would kill two birds with one stone) (he also told me he showers with eggs when he does because he doesn't have soap but they have plenty of eggs thanks to all their chickens), to riding anywhere in the van (because I had to make a calendar of whose day it was to sit in the front seat with mommy), to going to ANY store where there are things to buy (always their favorite and the source of many of our arguments!! HA), to cooking (because Y loved to help me cook), to bedtime (because telling them goodnight was one of my favorite things because of how excited they were every night for our kiss and hug good night... and I know where they are, no one is tucking them in), to EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!! They are a part of our family...a missing part!
So as I said in my last post we bought both boys a phone. Well, as of now, neither one of them have them. A's was taken from him by an older boy within the first couple of days back :( and Y, well, who knows what happened to his after his accident.
I have spoken to A once and he seems to be "ok". He said he misses us and wants to come home. I have spoken to him via other children that are with him and they assure me they are looking out for him. He had a hard time making friends but seems to be finally making some now. (He is in an entirely new orphanage) He says school is fine but he is just "very bored to be with me again".... that was a direct translation! Haha!! He also sent me a picture of himself and another boy and said "the boy in the picture wants to know if he can come to America and live with us too."..... Yeah.... heart breaking.... at least it means he is telling good stories about being here!
I haven't spoken to Y since he got out of the hospital. As most of you know already, the day Y returned from Ukraine, as he was exiting the bus, he was hit by a car. He said he had to go to the bathroom really bad so he looked really quick and didn't see a car so he took off and then a car came out of no where. He had a concussion and a brain hemorrhage. He was unconscious for a day or so and in ICU, but he was moved to a regular room about 3 days after the accident and stayed in the hospital about a week. He is back in the orphanage now though and according to the doctors, he will be fine and there will not be any long term effects from the accident.
I cannot even begin to talk about how gracious God was during the whole accident of Y. God had impressed upon me for weeks before Y left to pray for his protection while he was back in Ukraine so I did and I had others pray... Who knows what those prayers did.... It could have been so much worse...He could have died....
When I received the news of his accident, he had already been moved to a regular room and I was able to speak to him, but I can't imagine if I had heard about it when it happened and he was in ICU. For the 2.5 hours between knowing he had been in an accident and talking to him, I experienced grief like I never have in my life. I cried from the depth of my soul. I knew I loved him before, but that day, I realized it was deeper than I knew. I truly love these boys as if I gave birth to them myself. If I had not been able to talk to him and to "know" he was okay, It would have killed me.... I would have been on the FIRST plane to Ukraine and my sister would have gone with me!!
The day I found out was an awful and wonderful day all at the same time. It was awful because of what had happened to my child in another country a world away from me, but it was wonderful to watch God move on behalf of this sweet child in amazing ways!! It was the Tuesday after he returned and I had been trying to call his phone since Friday. I never could get anyone to answer until Sunday morning. I called once and a man answered and he was very agitated. All I could understand him to say was Y no and Machina... (machine is car in Ukrainian)....I called an hour later and a lady answered and she was nicer but still adamant about Y and a car.... I didn't know what to do. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out how to get in touch with him. I messaged the lady who bought him the phone and asked her if she could try and get in touch with him when she got a minute. In the meantime I continued to try and call the phone. It wasnt until Tuesday morning that I got someone to answer... same story again. This time I text Suzette and Heidi and asked them to please have one of their kids call and see if they could understand what the man was saying. I sat and waited very patiently by my phone (right Suzette!! PATIENTLY!) ha... It had been an hour and I hadn't heard anything from her... I knew something was wrong and she was trying to get to the bottom of it before she called... I text her "What's the word?"... She called me and the first thing she said was... "Don't freak out..." I immediately started to cry... Then she proceeded to tell me what the person on the phone said but that we couldn't necessary believe it because it could just be a bad joke and she was trying to get in touch with the orphanage to see if it was true. She told me to just wait and be patient and they would figure this out.... so, that's what I did... NOT!!!
So here is one way God completely provided..... That Sunday before, a man introduced himself to my husband at church. He just walked up, pulled Sammy to the side and said "Hi, I'm ____ and I heard about you and your wife and I am so excited about what y'all are doing. I worked in Ukraine for several years and my wife is from Ukraine. We would love to have dinner with you guys and help you in anyway we can."... Well Tuesday morning was a "...In anyway we can..." to me! As soon as i hung up with Suzette, I called everyone I knew to get his number. I finally tracked him down and was able to speak to his wife. I don't think I will ever be able to truly thank her for how she helped me that day. I was a MESS.... I could barely talk over my panic and crying and my kids BEGGING me to tell them what was going on.... I finally was able to ramble the story out and give her all the info I had, names, phone numbers, locations, etc.... She left me with an "Okay, I am going to need some time, but I will find him and I will find out what has happened. I will talk to you soon." It was like in that moment she had known me my entire life and she was experiencing my pain with me...
In the meantime my dear friend Stephanie had called me and I just blurted "y has been hit by a car... can you come over".... Like always, she dropped what she was doing to help me. She was there in what seemed like seconds... time moved so slow and so fast all at the same time that day.
At this time, I still didn't know he was ok. I was planning out in my head how I was going to get the money to get to Ukraine. 'Who could I beg to give me money and take care of my babies while I was gone? Who could go with me? How was I going to burry a child in another country without my friends and family?' (yeah, I went there)....
About 2 hours (the LONGEST two hours of my life) after we hung up... The angel whom God placed in my path a few days before for this very purpose, called back. Her news was brief and almost as devastating as the first news I received. She said she was able to confirm with his orphanage that he was indeed hit by a car, but that he was "Okay with just some bumps and bruises" She said they were so vague she knew there was more, but they wouldn't give her anymore information. They wouldn't even tell her what hospital he was in. Well, that didn't stop her. She said she just "had a feeling" about which hospital he was in so she called it and low and behold, it was the right one! (what?!?! insert a huge God moment here...) The only information she could get from the hospital at the time, was that he was there, but he was in Emergency which according to her was bad news. She said in "emergency" you are receiving serious care and you cannot have visitors or phone calls. She said it did not sound good. God love her... I completely lost it... I couldn't stand up, or see, and I was pretty sure I was going to stop breathing. She assured me she wasn't going to give up even though they had told her she couldn't get anymore information until tomorrow. (Who IS this lady?!?!) She let me go so she could continue to call.
I don't have to tell you how I was after that... You can just imagine the worst... That was me... My kids were amazing... they each just hugged me and sat with me and brought me tissue and rubbed my back. They would say things like "mommy, I know he is okay, I just KNOW it".... I have amazingly sweet kids....
She finally called back about 30 minutes later... thank GOD!! The first thing she said was, "I spoke to him, and he is okay".... Of course I lost it again.... This time out of sheer gratitude! She said the first thing he said was, "How is my mommy, does she know I am okay?".... She said he was sitting by the phone waiting on my call so for me to call right away. Well of course I called, but I didn't even think about how I was going to talk to him, let alone ASK for him... thank goodness he was sitting by the phone... the lady that answered said to him, "Y, lady Americana" Ha... How'd she know?? He said hello and I said hello and we both immediately began crying.... His voice was the sweetest thing I had ever heard on the other end of a phone before.... He was alive and he was okay!! The conversation quickly ran out seeing as how I don't speak Russian or Ukrainian and he doesn't know very much English! haha... so, I asked him to wait one minute and I put him on hold and called Suzette! She was almost home but not yet so I explained what was going on and then clicked back over to Y. She talked to him for a second and then when she got home, she put us on speaker phone and Y, me Suzette and all of her Ukrainian kids talked on the phone!! It was quite an experience but one I will NEVER forget and will be forever grateful for.... Y'all, if you only knew Suzette's heart for these kids.... It's really as big as the sky.... Y'all head on over to Grace to Ukraine on Facebook and check out what amazing things they are doing!! (shameless plug)
I was able to talk to Y every day that he was in the hospital! Thanks to some other precious Ukrainian kids that belong to another dear friend Heidi and to some precious Ukrainian translators... God provided someone every day! It was wonderful. He also provided an angel who lives in Ukraine to go and visit Y twice while he was there and take him treats and take pictures for me. God provided in endless ways for him and me during that time....
It has been sad not being able to talk to him, but others have been checking on him for me and I am thankful for that.
I just want them home.
Life isn't the same without them here.
We are almost finished with the home study process of our adoption which is a BIG part of the process. To finish it up, we need to pay another $2200. We are about $500 away from meeting that goal, but I know God will provided it! He has provided every penny up to this point and I know he will continue to do so. As soon as we complete the home study, we can begin to apply for grants which will hopefully fill in a big chunk of the 45k we still need :)
We have had so many people step up to do fundraisers it is absolutely overwhelming. My sweet friend Tina started our Facebook page and is hosting a Christmas craft fair at our church on Nov 22. My sweet friend Stephanie is hosting a yard sale at her house on Oct 10 and 11. Our precious friend Matthew is running the entire month of October in the "Minus One Run" that he started last year for the adoption of his daughter Vivi, and he is donating all proceeds to us (just heard about this a few minutes ago)... Other people have offered fundraisers and other ways they want to help us raise money.....In addition to the many people who have stepped up and have given money. We are beyond moved by all of your help!
Please continue to share our story and help get the word out so others can give and help us get our boys home quickly!!!
Most of all, continue to pray... Your prayers are what keep us going!!!
If I can assure you of anything about this entire journey it is that God is right here in the middle of it with us. I haven't doubted Him one single time. We have been thrown some major curve balls. But every time God leaves me with the assurance that we are right where we are supposed to be and right where He put us. I am so thankful for the version of the gospel I can see now. That is what this is al about anyway right?? The gospel? Isn't that what EVERYTHING is about? The adoption of us into the family of God. The price he paid for that adoption, and how all He ask of us in return is to love Him and love others. Not the kind of love we think of, selfish, self righteous love, but real genuine love... 1 Cor 13 love. (It's no coincidence the kids and I started memorizing it back in May) Truly thinking of others above ourselves. It's not easy, but it is necessary, if we truly want to see God's heart and experience Him. Only in our humility can He rest on us. Only in our weakness can He be strong. Only in our brokenness can we be made whole. I'm thankful for how humiliating this process has been for me. I want Him to continue to break me down.... less of me and more of Him. It's a painful, beautiful journey and I cannot wait to see where He will take us next.....
Saturday, August 30, 2014
The Place Between Trusting God and Totally Freaking Out, Losing My Mind
READERS BE WARE!
I need to say this because I am not sure where this will go and after I type it all if I will have the strength to edit it.
Everything is so raw and fresh but I need to get it out before I forget some of it. I want to remember our story so I can show them how God showed out for them both.
I can't promise I won't ramble, or that I won't chase rabbits, or be all over the place, but I can promise I will be real and I will try to glorify God in all I share.... because that is what this is all about anyway, right? This life... To Glorify God in all we do!
So here we go...
The boys are gone. It sucks.
I am not alone in my suffering either. Not only do I shed tears for my own boys and my own heart, but I have friends and a sister who are suffering too and so when I am not crying (and sometimes when I am) for mine, I am crying for them and theirs. And then I cry for those who may not ever come back. The ones who are just as deserving of a chance as any of us, but who haven't found their family or have passed "the age" of adoption. And so, I cry for them too. Like precious 11yo Nastya, who is so broken and so beautiful and desperately needs her forever family to find her and rescue her from herself and her life. She needs someone to search for her and find her and bring her home and show her who Christ is and how His love is real and doesn't hurt but fulfills. How His love can heal all her broken places and restore her to something more beautiful than she can imagine. She needs a mom and a dad to tell her, "We love you and you matter. You are not trash." So when I cry, I cry for her too.
There are so many other stories, faces, souls that have touched me and moved me in a direction I never knew existed. I said to a friend tonight, "I feel like I exist in a different world, like an altered universe." It's definitely not the same world I use to live in, the world before my boys. The world where "things" mattered. Even as far away from things as God has moved me in the last 15 years, I didn't realize how attached to them I still was. But now, now that they are gone.... no-THING matters. Only my God, His glory, and my family.... all of them, bio, faith and otherwise... people. That's WHO matters!
I told you this would be all over the place so bare with me...
Through this entire process, since the day we decided to host Y, Sammy and I have watched, literally watched, the hand of God move. There are so many ways He has moved on behalf of these boys and our family there is no way I can tell them all. But it is absolutely incredible to be on this side of adoption and see God work on behalf of these children. While the world is in utter chaos and spiraling out of control and strait to Hell... He is meticulously and systematically moving on behalf on these special children. It. Is. Amazing. and Beautiful!!
Our God is Big and He handles Big Things, but He doesn't leave the small ones behind, because they matter to Him. He has a heart for the orphan. Period. (John 14:15-21)
As some of you know, Y doesn't come from the best place. Let's just say, it's not the Hilton and leave it at that. I have been praying specifically for both our boys and their safety the last few weeks. Not just safety from the war, but personal safety. I have been asking God to give them favor in the eyes of their caretakers and to provide an abundance of food to the orphanage for all the children so they can eat 3 meals a day and be full. I have been asking God to take opportunities to reveal himself to these children and to let them see His light that is with them! I actually said, "God, you brought these boys here for a purpose. To be exposed to you and Your Light, and they have. Your light is on them, because it is on us. So take your Light back with them and allow it to shine bright and allow it's power to manifest in their lives.... protect them with it and let them know it is all YOU!!"..... sometimes I get expectant with God. But that is okay. There are many verses that tell us to pray expectantly, but my favorite is Hebrews 4:16. Not because, I have God under my thumb and He is going to do what I want, but because I have Faith in My God and when we are praying His will over our lives, we can't go wrong! That is all I want for these boys... for all my kids...., God's perfect will for them!!
The tears started for Y about a week before he left. The anticipation for the day was almost more than he could take. At first, the emotional response came in the form of rebellion. He just got real distant. I would call him my little gangster when he acted like that! Ha! He thought it was funny! I would sing Santana "Yurah, Yurah.... you remind me of a Westside story..." Haha! He did... they both did actually. Anyway, he wasn't being himself and I couldn't figure out why... then it hit me... So I asked, "Tell me what is REALLY bothering you... why are you so upset"... to which he looked at me with those big blue eyes and I thought I could actually see his soul and said... "Me... NO UKRAINE" and he lost it.... So I lost it... and then Samantha lost it.... (she walked in on the fiasco) After that, it was a nightly occurrence. Every night, we would cry and I would assure him how much we loved him and that I was praying for him fervently. When Wednesday morning came, I didn't think I was going to find the strength to take even one step. I was BEGGING God to move my body for me. I barely slept and felt like I had been hit by a very large truck. Somehow, by the Strength of God, I moved. The whole ride to the airport was a roller coaster. He had asked me for several days NOT to cry at the airport. He would say "Mommy, you NO cry airport, OKAY?".... To which I translated, "You cannot ask that of me. All I will promise is I will try my best to not lose it." Beautiful, precious Nastya that I mentioned earlier rode to the airport with us so that was a nice distraction for all of us. She was sweet and of course the boys were happy to have a beautiful girl to ride in the car with us. I mean, they are 14 year old boys. Y tried to share a bucket seat with her.... I thought I was going to have to physically remove him from the seat! Ha
I need to back up and say that Sammy and I wanted to get both our boys a phone for when they were in Ukraine so we could talk to them and keep up with them. I knew getting A one would be easier because of who he would be with. Getting Y one would be trickier because I didn't really know anyone going back with him or from the region he is from, etc... So I asked my sweet friend Taryn, with Grace to Ukraine, if she knew of way for me to get him a phone. Of course, she did and it was a perfect plan, the only thing that needed to happen for it to work, would be for the person she was volunteering to say yes! And she did, with ease!! This lady, whom I have never met, bought my son a phone in Ukraine, took it to the airport and waited on him to give it to him... ON THE WRONG DAY!! She was given the wrong flight information.... but did she get angry... no, she went back on the next day to give it to him....
So, back to the airport. I had been telling him that someone was meeting him at the airport with his phone. He was so excited to be getting one. I kept reminding him how much we loved him and we would be keeping up with him and communicating with him. When we arrived at the airport, the tears came heavily. For both of us. I was a complete wreck. Sweet Nastya kept hugging me telling me, "It's okay, no cry".... which made me cry worse!!We get to the ticket counter to get his ticket printed and the lady at the counter says, "Oh baby, he'll be back... you'll see...now don't you cry, your gonna make me cry..." She had registered several other kids so she knew why we were there. After registering there was a bunch of standing around waiting so more time for crying... As I was standing there with Sammy and the kids, the lady from the counter came and tapped me on the shoulder... she said "Baby, would you like a gate pass so you can go back with your baby and walk him to the gate?" I said, "Wait, what? You can do that?!?"... She said, "yeah, hunny, we don't normally, but Ima do it for you!!" Well I didn't have my wallet so Sammy had to go to the car to get it. In the meantime, you remember my friend Taryn, well I told her what my tears had won me.... So what does she do?? What any normal person would do... She walked right up to the counter and asked if she could have one too!! (and all her 50 friends!) Ha! So, thanks to my tears, we all got to walk them to the gate! Y cried the whole time. I tried so hard to be strong for him.... I cried, but not how I needed too. He kept looking at me with such fear in his eyes... Like to say "Is this when you are leaving.... Is it time yet..." I kept saying, "It's okay baby, you are going to be okay, mommy is praying for you, right now. God will take care of you!" I translated again about his Bible I had bought Him and what it says in John about not leaving us as orphans and that I wanted him to read John as soon as he could. I was trying to say anything to distract him. When we finally arrived at the gate, I knew I couldn't stay. We had to leave to get back at a certain time. There was no easy way to leave him. I just knelt beside him, kissed his cheek and said "Buddy, mommy go".... He grabbed me. For a moment I was afraid he might not let go. I told him again I loved him BIG and I would talk to him soon. He let go and I left.
He was gone, and I was a broken mess. The ride home was quiet, except for the occasional "Mommy, It's okay?" From my sweet A who was still with me. He was so worried about me. I didn't know what to do. These emotions and feelings were all new and hard and ugly. I just cried and prayed. I prayed for Y and A and me and Sammy and our bio kids. I prayed for Ukraine and Russia and adoptions and anything else I could think of. I begged God and then just said his name over and over. It was a mess. And how was I going to do this all over again in two days....
That night about 6:30 I was sitting on the couch and my phone started ringing... the number said Texas. I was thinking, "Who in the world is calling me from Texas??"... I answered it... and on the other end was another angel. Another angel who had taken my broken boy and comforted him and loved on him in my place. God was already providing for him. She introduced herself and told me how she saw me leave Y and how she and her husband just watched as I walked away how hurt and broken he was. So they went and got him. They brought him to sit by them and proceeded to love on him, comfort him and encourage him. They sat with my boy the entire time until he boarded his plane. They listened as he went through his entire picture album of 200 pictures and told them about each one. They bought him a coke. (His love language) and they did for him what I couldn't, in my absence. When she called me, she said "I just had to let you know. I just had to tell you how much he loves you and how much you and your family have impacted him." She text me later to say she couldn't quit thinking about him and us and how her life would never be the same because of meeting him. What she doesn't understand though, is how my life will never be the same because of the way she allowed God to use her in the life of my sweet boy and how she was systematically an answer to specific prayers I had been praying!! My faith is stronger because of her obedience!
When the flight landed in Ukraine, the lady with the phone met Y and was able to give it to him. She messaged me later that day that he seemed okay, tired, but okay and VERY happy to have his phone. She gave me the number and told me she would check in with him in a few days. To her, this was just a simple message, but to me... this was another way God was providing for my boy. Here all these other hosting/adopting mamma's put their babies on a plane with no idea of how they would communicate with them again, and here i have this angel who has selflessly volunteered to "check in on him"... Not only that, but I knew he was there, safe and happy for a phone!! What a gracious God we serve.
I tried Yuri's phone a bunch. Up until 1am, when I dozed off for a few minutes... then at 2 i woke up suddenly and I looked at my phone and she had messaged me. I had told her I was having a hard time with the number and I wasn't able to get him. I asked her if she spoke to him to please tell him how very much I love him and missed him already and that no matter what anyone ever told him, daddy and I were working very hard to bring him back to America and no matter what happened we would always love him.
Her message said: "I hope you are sleeping now, ;) but I just talked to him. He sounded good and said he knows his login and password. I told him if he has problems to be sure to call me. Assured him that I will try to call once a week or so, but that if he needs anything or just wants to talk to feel free to call me any time.
I need to say this because I am not sure where this will go and after I type it all if I will have the strength to edit it.
Everything is so raw and fresh but I need to get it out before I forget some of it. I want to remember our story so I can show them how God showed out for them both.
I can't promise I won't ramble, or that I won't chase rabbits, or be all over the place, but I can promise I will be real and I will try to glorify God in all I share.... because that is what this is all about anyway, right? This life... To Glorify God in all we do!
So here we go...
The boys are gone. It sucks.
I am not alone in my suffering either. Not only do I shed tears for my own boys and my own heart, but I have friends and a sister who are suffering too and so when I am not crying (and sometimes when I am) for mine, I am crying for them and theirs. And then I cry for those who may not ever come back. The ones who are just as deserving of a chance as any of us, but who haven't found their family or have passed "the age" of adoption. And so, I cry for them too. Like precious 11yo Nastya, who is so broken and so beautiful and desperately needs her forever family to find her and rescue her from herself and her life. She needs someone to search for her and find her and bring her home and show her who Christ is and how His love is real and doesn't hurt but fulfills. How His love can heal all her broken places and restore her to something more beautiful than she can imagine. She needs a mom and a dad to tell her, "We love you and you matter. You are not trash." So when I cry, I cry for her too.
There are so many other stories, faces, souls that have touched me and moved me in a direction I never knew existed. I said to a friend tonight, "I feel like I exist in a different world, like an altered universe." It's definitely not the same world I use to live in, the world before my boys. The world where "things" mattered. Even as far away from things as God has moved me in the last 15 years, I didn't realize how attached to them I still was. But now, now that they are gone.... no-THING matters. Only my God, His glory, and my family.... all of them, bio, faith and otherwise... people. That's WHO matters!
I told you this would be all over the place so bare with me...
Through this entire process, since the day we decided to host Y, Sammy and I have watched, literally watched, the hand of God move. There are so many ways He has moved on behalf of these boys and our family there is no way I can tell them all. But it is absolutely incredible to be on this side of adoption and see God work on behalf of these children. While the world is in utter chaos and spiraling out of control and strait to Hell... He is meticulously and systematically moving on behalf on these special children. It. Is. Amazing. and Beautiful!!
Our God is Big and He handles Big Things, but He doesn't leave the small ones behind, because they matter to Him. He has a heart for the orphan. Period. (John 14:15-21)
As some of you know, Y doesn't come from the best place. Let's just say, it's not the Hilton and leave it at that. I have been praying specifically for both our boys and their safety the last few weeks. Not just safety from the war, but personal safety. I have been asking God to give them favor in the eyes of their caretakers and to provide an abundance of food to the orphanage for all the children so they can eat 3 meals a day and be full. I have been asking God to take opportunities to reveal himself to these children and to let them see His light that is with them! I actually said, "God, you brought these boys here for a purpose. To be exposed to you and Your Light, and they have. Your light is on them, because it is on us. So take your Light back with them and allow it to shine bright and allow it's power to manifest in their lives.... protect them with it and let them know it is all YOU!!"..... sometimes I get expectant with God. But that is okay. There are many verses that tell us to pray expectantly, but my favorite is Hebrews 4:16. Not because, I have God under my thumb and He is going to do what I want, but because I have Faith in My God and when we are praying His will over our lives, we can't go wrong! That is all I want for these boys... for all my kids...., God's perfect will for them!!
The tears started for Y about a week before he left. The anticipation for the day was almost more than he could take. At first, the emotional response came in the form of rebellion. He just got real distant. I would call him my little gangster when he acted like that! Ha! He thought it was funny! I would sing Santana "Yurah, Yurah.... you remind me of a Westside story..." Haha! He did... they both did actually. Anyway, he wasn't being himself and I couldn't figure out why... then it hit me... So I asked, "Tell me what is REALLY bothering you... why are you so upset"... to which he looked at me with those big blue eyes and I thought I could actually see his soul and said... "Me... NO UKRAINE" and he lost it.... So I lost it... and then Samantha lost it.... (she walked in on the fiasco) After that, it was a nightly occurrence. Every night, we would cry and I would assure him how much we loved him and that I was praying for him fervently. When Wednesday morning came, I didn't think I was going to find the strength to take even one step. I was BEGGING God to move my body for me. I barely slept and felt like I had been hit by a very large truck. Somehow, by the Strength of God, I moved. The whole ride to the airport was a roller coaster. He had asked me for several days NOT to cry at the airport. He would say "Mommy, you NO cry airport, OKAY?".... To which I translated, "You cannot ask that of me. All I will promise is I will try my best to not lose it." Beautiful, precious Nastya that I mentioned earlier rode to the airport with us so that was a nice distraction for all of us. She was sweet and of course the boys were happy to have a beautiful girl to ride in the car with us. I mean, they are 14 year old boys. Y tried to share a bucket seat with her.... I thought I was going to have to physically remove him from the seat! Ha
I need to back up and say that Sammy and I wanted to get both our boys a phone for when they were in Ukraine so we could talk to them and keep up with them. I knew getting A one would be easier because of who he would be with. Getting Y one would be trickier because I didn't really know anyone going back with him or from the region he is from, etc... So I asked my sweet friend Taryn, with Grace to Ukraine, if she knew of way for me to get him a phone. Of course, she did and it was a perfect plan, the only thing that needed to happen for it to work, would be for the person she was volunteering to say yes! And she did, with ease!! This lady, whom I have never met, bought my son a phone in Ukraine, took it to the airport and waited on him to give it to him... ON THE WRONG DAY!! She was given the wrong flight information.... but did she get angry... no, she went back on the next day to give it to him....
So, back to the airport. I had been telling him that someone was meeting him at the airport with his phone. He was so excited to be getting one. I kept reminding him how much we loved him and we would be keeping up with him and communicating with him. When we arrived at the airport, the tears came heavily. For both of us. I was a complete wreck. Sweet Nastya kept hugging me telling me, "It's okay, no cry".... which made me cry worse!!We get to the ticket counter to get his ticket printed and the lady at the counter says, "Oh baby, he'll be back... you'll see...now don't you cry, your gonna make me cry..." She had registered several other kids so she knew why we were there. After registering there was a bunch of standing around waiting so more time for crying... As I was standing there with Sammy and the kids, the lady from the counter came and tapped me on the shoulder... she said "Baby, would you like a gate pass so you can go back with your baby and walk him to the gate?" I said, "Wait, what? You can do that?!?"... She said, "yeah, hunny, we don't normally, but Ima do it for you!!" Well I didn't have my wallet so Sammy had to go to the car to get it. In the meantime, you remember my friend Taryn, well I told her what my tears had won me.... So what does she do?? What any normal person would do... She walked right up to the counter and asked if she could have one too!! (and all her 50 friends!) Ha! So, thanks to my tears, we all got to walk them to the gate! Y cried the whole time. I tried so hard to be strong for him.... I cried, but not how I needed too. He kept looking at me with such fear in his eyes... Like to say "Is this when you are leaving.... Is it time yet..." I kept saying, "It's okay baby, you are going to be okay, mommy is praying for you, right now. God will take care of you!" I translated again about his Bible I had bought Him and what it says in John about not leaving us as orphans and that I wanted him to read John as soon as he could. I was trying to say anything to distract him. When we finally arrived at the gate, I knew I couldn't stay. We had to leave to get back at a certain time. There was no easy way to leave him. I just knelt beside him, kissed his cheek and said "Buddy, mommy go".... He grabbed me. For a moment I was afraid he might not let go. I told him again I loved him BIG and I would talk to him soon. He let go and I left.
He was gone, and I was a broken mess. The ride home was quiet, except for the occasional "Mommy, It's okay?" From my sweet A who was still with me. He was so worried about me. I didn't know what to do. These emotions and feelings were all new and hard and ugly. I just cried and prayed. I prayed for Y and A and me and Sammy and our bio kids. I prayed for Ukraine and Russia and adoptions and anything else I could think of. I begged God and then just said his name over and over. It was a mess. And how was I going to do this all over again in two days....
That night about 6:30 I was sitting on the couch and my phone started ringing... the number said Texas. I was thinking, "Who in the world is calling me from Texas??"... I answered it... and on the other end was another angel. Another angel who had taken my broken boy and comforted him and loved on him in my place. God was already providing for him. She introduced herself and told me how she saw me leave Y and how she and her husband just watched as I walked away how hurt and broken he was. So they went and got him. They brought him to sit by them and proceeded to love on him, comfort him and encourage him. They sat with my boy the entire time until he boarded his plane. They listened as he went through his entire picture album of 200 pictures and told them about each one. They bought him a coke. (His love language) and they did for him what I couldn't, in my absence. When she called me, she said "I just had to let you know. I just had to tell you how much he loves you and how much you and your family have impacted him." She text me later to say she couldn't quit thinking about him and us and how her life would never be the same because of meeting him. What she doesn't understand though, is how my life will never be the same because of the way she allowed God to use her in the life of my sweet boy and how she was systematically an answer to specific prayers I had been praying!! My faith is stronger because of her obedience!
When the flight landed in Ukraine, the lady with the phone met Y and was able to give it to him. She messaged me later that day that he seemed okay, tired, but okay and VERY happy to have his phone. She gave me the number and told me she would check in with him in a few days. To her, this was just a simple message, but to me... this was another way God was providing for my boy. Here all these other hosting/adopting mamma's put their babies on a plane with no idea of how they would communicate with them again, and here i have this angel who has selflessly volunteered to "check in on him"... Not only that, but I knew he was there, safe and happy for a phone!! What a gracious God we serve.
I tried Yuri's phone a bunch. Up until 1am, when I dozed off for a few minutes... then at 2 i woke up suddenly and I looked at my phone and she had messaged me. I had told her I was having a hard time with the number and I wasn't able to get him. I asked her if she spoke to him to please tell him how very much I love him and missed him already and that no matter what anyone ever told him, daddy and I were working very hard to bring him back to America and no matter what happened we would always love him.
Her message said: "I hope you are sleeping now, ;) but I just talked to him. He sounded good and said he knows his login and password. I told him if he has problems to be sure to call me. Assured him that I will try to call once a week or so, but that if he needs anything or just wants to talk to feel free to call me any time.
When I told him that you said to tell him that you said that you love him and miss him already I could hear the tears forming as he spoke. Broke my heart.
I assured him that I am in Ukraine and will be in touch with you and him and told him that you had tried to send a text message yesterday but were pretty sure it wasn't sending. He said he didn't get it, and I told him that we would keep trying, but that he should try to sign into fb and message you there.
I will add him to my fb as well and see if I can help.
Praying for his heart today. And for yours. MAN, I hate all the mess their hearts have to go through."
I lost it... I cried... heavy and hard. I cried because I was so thankful for her and her heart and because I missed my boy so much and wanted to comfort him and tell him it's going to be okay. I wanted to be there for him and I couldn't. God was so gracious in allowing me this jewel of a woman to comfort him when I couldn't.
I still haven't talked to him. His phone doesn't have service where he is and that is something we were afraid of. That is why I teeter between the place of trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind. I just want to hear his voice.... I want to hear him say, "It's okay, mommy".... I can't even type this without crying... I can barely see the screen.
I. Miss. My. Boys.
I thought about telling A's story in a separate post but I'm on a roll so hang on....
A and Y couldn't be any more different. I think the only thing they have in common is their language! Ha! They are just different. Their personalities, the way they respond to life, the way they respond to food, the way they play, what they like, the way they dress, the sports they like (or don't)... I mean Y rides roller coasters, A doesn't. They are just opposites. It's funny actually when I think about it. A is hard. He has a "love me if you can" heir about him. It's obvious that it's from a lack of love in his life. He just doesn't know how to receive it or respond to it. He was quiet at first and stayed to himself, but once he came out of his shell and was comfortable with us, I could tell he was an amazing kid with so much to give! He wants to be loved and he wants to receive it. I see him struggling, wrestling with forgiveness and grace. It was all so new to him and confusing. When I talked to A about God, he always rolled his eyes. He rolled his eyes a lot! Ha... I told him they were going to roll into the floor one day! His hurt runs deep. And he doesn't care about this "God" we claim loves him. Not yet anyway!! Even with all his roughness and "love me if you can" attitude, there is something about him that melts you. He cares if you are happy or angry. He never wanted me to be upset or cry. He was quick to apologize when he had gone too far and I could tell he was angry with himself. I always assured him, i would always forgive him and love him no matter what. There was nothing he could do to lose my love. Each time, I think he was amazed that I wasn't upset anymore and had forgiven him. He has a super soft side. He absolutely LOVED Hudson and to watch him with Huddy would have melted anyones heart. He was teaching him Russian... It was the cutest thing. Parker too. Parker and A had a special bond. Even though they fought, there was a deep love there. Just almost automatic. I guess he felt safe with Hudson and Parker. Only God knows.
He had my heart from the first day I saw him. I knew he was my son. There is no explanation for it. Only God could have put that there. I immediately started praying for him and for us and for how in the world I was going to tell Sammy! I knew that in order for this to work, God was going to have to bond Y and A's hearts and quickly. I prayed secretly without telling anyone. I took Y to meet A and instantly they were best friends... I knew God had answered me. I told Sammy about him and asked him if he could consider two. His reaction was just more confirmation... "He said, how can we not. We have room." I knew what he meant... The rest is, how do they say,... "History" :)
Life with the two of them wasn't easy.
Life with the two of them wasn't easy.
In fact, sometimes... It was impossible. There were moments I knew I wasn't going to make it. Which is exactly when I was reminded this wasn't mine to do anyway. It was His... the One who's plan this was from the beginning. They are typical teenage boys except they speak a different language and they have lots of baggage. But they are ours and we love them with an unconditional love from our Father and through our Savior!
The last week of A's stay was VERY VERY rocky. His way of dealing with the pain was by withdrawing from us completely to the point of saying he didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. I can't even describe the pain of hearing that. I was assured by everyone it was just him responding to the pain of leaving but it didn't make it any easier to hear... It was rocky... Until the day Y left. I think that jolted A back into reality and he wanted to savor every last moment with us because he was precious. Which made his leaving even harder. I wasn't as worried about him as I was Y because I knew the people he was with. I know the other kids and the adults that would be traveling with him and I know he will be checked on and thought about often by other's besides me. I was however going to MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!! That is the hardest part... MISSING THEM... It wasn't until that day, Friday, that I heard him for the first time same, "Mommy, me no Ukraine..." And I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. I had only seen him cry one other time. I broke. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and how hard daddy and I were working to bring him back home as quickly as we could.
The bus ride there was different because there were so many kids and people and it was loud and hard to get lost in your thoughts. Once we were at the airport though and the reality set in that this was it... the tears were unstoppable. There is no way to describe the feeling of watching your child walk away to board an airplane to go to a country where he will not be loved by a mom and dad. Where no one cares that he has nightmares and is scared. Where no one cares if he brushed his teeth or has on clean underwear. Where no one cares if he is just having a "day" and needs some extra TLC.... It feels wrong... Everything inside of me wanted to run screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO" but then I would have been arrested because he was already through security and that wouldn't have been good for our home study!
( I need to insert in here somewhere, we also got A a phone so we could stay in touch with him and so did many of the other kids that are with him so we will get to hear about how he is often!! Another way God is providing for these sweet kiddos!!)
We stayed and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. He (they all) kept turning around and waving. These 12 beautiful children with faces I will never forget because I am forever changed because of them, they just walked off and faded in the distance. Some will be back, some won't. Some will have forever families, some won't. Only God knows what the future holds for all of them. But for us, for now, we are fighting with everything we have to bring our boys home.
The country isn't safe. They are being attacked while the world watches. AND MY BABIES ARE THERE!! I have to get them home. And any of you, reading this, if you have any inkling that you are called to adopt, please consider Ukraine. I know there are many orphans all around the world with just as dire a circumstance, but I am just asking you to please, consider Ukraine. Ask God if this could be the place where your child is!!
Life is different now for the Tice's. Our home feels empty and it feels incomplete. We need our boys home with us. We need their beds to have them sleeping in them and their drawers to be filled with their clothes. We need them at our dinner table and in our van on the way to church. We need there mess to be around the house with the rest of our messes!! WE NEED THEM HOME!!
Trusting God is not easy. It's hard because we have to let go of ourselves. We have to give Him control of our lives and for us that is hard because we think we need to be in control. That we could do so much better if God would just listen. But every time we try, we fail miserably and He takes us back each and every time.
Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
So this is where I am... somewhere between Trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind....
Pray for us. Pray for Ukraine. Pray for orphans. Pray that God will move you out of your comfortable place and on behalf of the fatherless.
We may not all be called to parent an orphan, but we are ALL called to care for them.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Buy a T-shirt :)
Okay, so there were a few issues with the "donate now" option so my amazing sister, who also designed the shirts, set me up a site where you can buy them! Yay! :)
Here is the link...
http://hometees.bigcartel.com/product/trust-without-borders-adult-tee
They are $22 and $3 for shipping. If I need to, I can refund the shipping. Right now we only have adult sizes XS-3XL. We may offer children sizes in the near future.
Please let me know if you have any questions and feel free to share this link so others can buy a shirt too!! :)
The picture is to your right... Isn't it GREAT!!! :)
Help us get our two boys home quickly!
Here is the link...
http://hometees.bigcartel.com/product/trust-without-borders-adult-tee
They are $22 and $3 for shipping. If I need to, I can refund the shipping. Right now we only have adult sizes XS-3XL. We may offer children sizes in the near future.
Please let me know if you have any questions and feel free to share this link so others can buy a shirt too!! :)
The picture is to your right... Isn't it GREAT!!! :)
Help us get our two boys home quickly!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Cant Sleep... Adoption Brain
It's 1:00am.... I am past the point of exhaustion, and yet, here I sit. Staring at this computer. My mind is racing. So many thoughts about so many things... I thought, "I should write these down."
I never want to forget this moment. This moment in my life right now. I am closer to my God than I ever thought possible and yet feel so far from Him. Growing and walking with the Lord shows many things, one of those being how much of sinner you really are. I am thankful for conviction. I am thankful for a God that doesn't leave me in my sin, to rot and waste away. But rescues me. Saves me. Convicts me. I am thankful He would even consider using me, and that He actually does.
I know the comments people are making. I hear them. I feel them. "WHAT are they thinking?" "They have 4 kids already" "They can't afford two more kids" "She has too much on her plate already, she won't be able to handle this" "What about her biological kids?" and the list goes on and on. So many times, I hear these comments and I want to feel defeated. I want to scream, "Yes!! Yes, you are right!!" Because, you are! We do have 4 children already, money is tight and I do have a lot on my plate. I said these exact same things to my God.... but you know what He said to me?? "This is not about you and what you CAN'T do. This is about ME and what I CAN!!" I cannot argue with that. I don't. From the beginning, when I felt Him tell me this is what He was calling us to, I have realized, there is no use in arguing. He is my God. The one I "say" I am following. The question became, "Do you truly follow me? Even when it's hard? Even when it looks crazy?" And I say, emphatically, YES!!
For the last 15 years at least, maybe longer, I have prayed for peace. Those of you that know me, know what my struggles have been. I have begged God, for hours on end, for just a little peace. I wanted worry and anxiety to be something I was looking back on. I longed for the day those things were a memory. Well guess what, I HAVE PEACE!!!!!! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have NO ANXIETY and NO WORRY!! I have absolutely no doubts that I am EXACTLY where God wants me. You can question us all you want. But know this, I HAVE PEACE. I finally can comprehend a peace that surpasses all understanding.(Phill 4:7) Because this is the CRAZIEST time in my life. A time when you would think peace would be the last thing I would feel, but I do and it is amazing. Funny how my God works. Giving me peace in the midst of absolute chaos. While my world is whirling around me, here He is, right in the middle, right where He promises to be, holding me up.
I haven't doubted from the beginning if this was God calling us to this. The way He has orchestrated things. I keep saying if I have learned anything so far it is that God has a heart for the orphans. They belong to Him. He is their Father. He don't play around when it comes to them!! (Psalm 68:5)
But please, please don't confuse my peace with ease.
There is nothing easy about what we are doing.
It is the hardest thing we have ever done in our entire lives. And this is only the beginning.
These angels, these orphans, these children, have invaded our home, our lives, our family and our hearts. We will never be the same. We are forever marked by the love we have for these two sweet boys and forever changed by their love for us.
As I sit here, thinking about them, about their eyes, their hands, their kisses, their hugs, their hearts, tears are streaming down my face. How could I ever expect to love two boys I didn't even know two months ago, as a momma loves her newborn baby? And yet I do.
Fear consumes me.
That's right. Fear.
Peace and fear.
That is my battle.
But not the fears you are thinking.
My fear, is that they will not be mine. That by some chance, by some fate, they will not be mine. I fight it daily. The thought of losing them. That we won't be approved for both. Our house isn't big enough. We don't make enough money. We have too many children already. And so on and so on...
Then I hear it, that still small voice, calling me back to Him.
Away from the fears that are not from Him, and back to His arms where the Truth is.
And the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. But my God does. And I trust Him. Because, I am RIGHT where He wants me, and in that place is peace. So here I will stay. With Him directing my steps. Each. And. Every. One.
Hosting, Adoption, Orphans, it's all hard. Not hard because your life is turned upside down and you have to make changes to your regular routines. Not hard because your budget is stretched and you have to feed more people. Not hard because now there are more kids to referee and teach and nurture and correct and praise.
Yes, those things are harder.
But it's hard because your heart is pulled and stretched and jerked and jolted in ways you never thought imaginable. It's hard because you are gifted with love unconditional and you are asked to blindly trust what happens with that love. You are asked to walk with your eyes closed to what happens next. You are asked to relinquish any and all control over to your Creator and let Him guide each step.
I can't begin to guess how this ends.
I can tell you it will be marvelous. It will be better than I could do it. It will be what is best for everyone involved. And it will bring glory to my God.
I'm okay with all of that. Even when it doesn't look like I think it should. And it won't. Because it never does.
I covet your prayers. Now more than ever. For me, for Sammy, for our bio kids and for these two boys that have stolen our hearts.
In 6 very short weeks, they will leave our home and go back to theirs. After that, it's only God who knows when we will see them again.
I can't even begin to imagine letting them go. I know when they do, part of me will go with them.
So when you pray, remember us!
I never want to forget this moment. This moment in my life right now. I am closer to my God than I ever thought possible and yet feel so far from Him. Growing and walking with the Lord shows many things, one of those being how much of sinner you really are. I am thankful for conviction. I am thankful for a God that doesn't leave me in my sin, to rot and waste away. But rescues me. Saves me. Convicts me. I am thankful He would even consider using me, and that He actually does.
I know the comments people are making. I hear them. I feel them. "WHAT are they thinking?" "They have 4 kids already" "They can't afford two more kids" "She has too much on her plate already, she won't be able to handle this" "What about her biological kids?" and the list goes on and on. So many times, I hear these comments and I want to feel defeated. I want to scream, "Yes!! Yes, you are right!!" Because, you are! We do have 4 children already, money is tight and I do have a lot on my plate. I said these exact same things to my God.... but you know what He said to me?? "This is not about you and what you CAN'T do. This is about ME and what I CAN!!" I cannot argue with that. I don't. From the beginning, when I felt Him tell me this is what He was calling us to, I have realized, there is no use in arguing. He is my God. The one I "say" I am following. The question became, "Do you truly follow me? Even when it's hard? Even when it looks crazy?" And I say, emphatically, YES!!
For the last 15 years at least, maybe longer, I have prayed for peace. Those of you that know me, know what my struggles have been. I have begged God, for hours on end, for just a little peace. I wanted worry and anxiety to be something I was looking back on. I longed for the day those things were a memory. Well guess what, I HAVE PEACE!!!!!! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have NO ANXIETY and NO WORRY!! I have absolutely no doubts that I am EXACTLY where God wants me. You can question us all you want. But know this, I HAVE PEACE. I finally can comprehend a peace that surpasses all understanding.(Phill 4:7) Because this is the CRAZIEST time in my life. A time when you would think peace would be the last thing I would feel, but I do and it is amazing. Funny how my God works. Giving me peace in the midst of absolute chaos. While my world is whirling around me, here He is, right in the middle, right where He promises to be, holding me up.
I haven't doubted from the beginning if this was God calling us to this. The way He has orchestrated things. I keep saying if I have learned anything so far it is that God has a heart for the orphans. They belong to Him. He is their Father. He don't play around when it comes to them!! (Psalm 68:5)
But please, please don't confuse my peace with ease.
There is nothing easy about what we are doing.
It is the hardest thing we have ever done in our entire lives. And this is only the beginning.
These angels, these orphans, these children, have invaded our home, our lives, our family and our hearts. We will never be the same. We are forever marked by the love we have for these two sweet boys and forever changed by their love for us.
As I sit here, thinking about them, about their eyes, their hands, their kisses, their hugs, their hearts, tears are streaming down my face. How could I ever expect to love two boys I didn't even know two months ago, as a momma loves her newborn baby? And yet I do.
Fear consumes me.
That's right. Fear.
Peace and fear.
That is my battle.
But not the fears you are thinking.
My fear, is that they will not be mine. That by some chance, by some fate, they will not be mine. I fight it daily. The thought of losing them. That we won't be approved for both. Our house isn't big enough. We don't make enough money. We have too many children already. And so on and so on...
Then I hear it, that still small voice, calling me back to Him.
Away from the fears that are not from Him, and back to His arms where the Truth is.
And the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. But my God does. And I trust Him. Because, I am RIGHT where He wants me, and in that place is peace. So here I will stay. With Him directing my steps. Each. And. Every. One.
Hosting, Adoption, Orphans, it's all hard. Not hard because your life is turned upside down and you have to make changes to your regular routines. Not hard because your budget is stretched and you have to feed more people. Not hard because now there are more kids to referee and teach and nurture and correct and praise.
Yes, those things are harder.
But it's hard because your heart is pulled and stretched and jerked and jolted in ways you never thought imaginable. It's hard because you are gifted with love unconditional and you are asked to blindly trust what happens with that love. You are asked to walk with your eyes closed to what happens next. You are asked to relinquish any and all control over to your Creator and let Him guide each step.
I can't begin to guess how this ends.
I can tell you it will be marvelous. It will be better than I could do it. It will be what is best for everyone involved. And it will bring glory to my God.
I'm okay with all of that. Even when it doesn't look like I think it should. And it won't. Because it never does.
I covet your prayers. Now more than ever. For me, for Sammy, for our bio kids and for these two boys that have stolen our hearts.
In 6 very short weeks, they will leave our home and go back to theirs. After that, it's only God who knows when we will see them again.
I can't even begin to imagine letting them go. I know when they do, part of me will go with them.
So when you pray, remember us!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
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