The Place Between Trusting God and Totally Freaking Out, Losing My Mind

READERS BE WARE!

I need to say this because I am not sure where this will go and after I type it all if I will have the strength to edit it.

Everything is so raw and fresh but I need to get it out before I forget some of it.  I want to remember our story so I can show them how God showed out for them both.

I can't promise I won't ramble, or that I won't chase rabbits, or be all over the place, but I can promise I will be real and I will try to glorify God in all I share.... because that is what this is all about anyway, right?  This life... To Glorify God in all we do!

So here we go...

The boys are gone.  It sucks.

I am not alone in my suffering either.  Not only do I shed tears for my own boys and my own heart, but I have friends and a sister who are suffering too and so when I am not crying (and sometimes when I am) for mine, I am crying for them and theirs.  And then I cry for those who may not ever come back.  The ones who are just as deserving of a chance as any of us, but who haven't found their family or have passed "the age" of adoption.  And so, I cry for them too.  Like precious 11yo Nastya, who is so broken and so beautiful and desperately needs her forever family to find her and rescue her from herself and her life.  She needs someone to search for her and find her and bring her home and show her who Christ is and how His love is real and doesn't hurt but fulfills.  How His love can heal all her broken places and restore her to something more beautiful than she can imagine.  She needs a mom and a dad to tell her, "We love you and you matter.  You are not trash."  So when I cry, I cry for her too.

There are so many other stories, faces, souls that have touched me and moved me in a direction I never knew existed.  I said to a friend tonight, "I feel like I exist in a different world, like an altered universe."  It's definitely not the same world I use to live in, the world before my boys.  The world where "things" mattered.  Even as far away from things as God has moved me in the last 15 years, I didn't realize how attached to them I still was.  But now, now that they are gone.... no-THING matters.  Only my God, His glory, and my family.... all of them, bio, faith and otherwise... people.  That's WHO matters!

I told you this would be all over the place so bare with me...

Through this entire process, since the day we decided to host Y, Sammy and I have watched, literally watched, the hand of God move.  There are so many ways He has moved on behalf of these boys and our family there is no way I can tell them all.  But it is absolutely incredible to be on this side of adoption and see God work on behalf of these children.  While the world is in utter chaos and spiraling out of control and strait to Hell... He is meticulously and systematically moving on behalf on these special children.  It.  Is.  Amazing.  and Beautiful!!

Our God is Big and He handles Big Things, but He doesn't leave the small ones behind, because they matter to Him.  He has a heart for the orphan. Period.  (John 14:15-21)

As some of you know, Y doesn't come from the best place.  Let's just say, it's not the Hilton and leave it at that.  I have been praying specifically for both our boys and their safety the last few weeks.  Not just safety from the war, but personal safety.  I have been asking God to give them favor in the eyes of their caretakers and to provide an abundance of food to the orphanage for all the children so they can eat 3 meals a day and be full.  I have been asking God to take opportunities to reveal himself to these children and to let them see His light that is with them!  I actually said, "God, you brought these boys here for a purpose.  To be exposed to you and Your Light, and they have.  Your light is on them, because it is on us.  So take your Light back with them and allow it to shine bright and allow it's power to manifest in their lives.... protect them with it and let them know it is all YOU!!"..... sometimes I get expectant with God.  But that is okay.  There are many verses that tell us to pray expectantly, but my favorite is Hebrews 4:16.  Not because, I have God under my thumb and He is going to do what I want, but because I have Faith in My God and when we are praying His will over our lives, we can't go wrong!  That is all I want for these boys... for all my kids...., God's perfect will for them!!

The tears started for Y about a week before he left.  The anticipation for the day was almost more than he could take.  At first, the emotional response came in the form of rebellion.  He just got real distant.  I would call him my little gangster when he acted like that! Ha!  He thought it was funny!  I would sing Santana "Yurah, Yurah.... you remind me of a Westside story..." Haha!  He did... they both did actually.  Anyway, he wasn't being himself and I couldn't figure out why... then it hit me... So I asked, "Tell me what is REALLY bothering you... why are you so upset"... to which he looked at me with those big blue eyes and I thought I could actually see his soul and said... "Me... NO UKRAINE" and he lost it.... So I lost it... and then Samantha lost it.... (she walked in on the fiasco)  After that, it was a nightly occurrence.  Every night, we would cry and I would assure him how much we loved him and that I was praying for him fervently.  When Wednesday morning came, I didn't think I was going to find the strength to take even one step.  I was BEGGING God to move my body for me.  I barely slept and felt like I had been hit by a very large truck.  Somehow, by the Strength of God, I moved.  The whole ride to the airport was a roller coaster.  He had asked me for several days NOT to cry at the airport.  He would say "Mommy, you NO cry airport, OKAY?".... To which I translated, "You cannot ask that of me.  All I will promise is I will try my best to not lose it."  Beautiful, precious Nastya that I mentioned earlier rode to the airport with us so that was a nice distraction for all of us.  She was sweet and of course the boys were happy to have a beautiful girl to ride in the car with us.  I mean, they are 14 year old boys.  Y tried to share a bucket seat with her.... I thought I was going to have to physically remove him from the seat! Ha

I need to back up and say that Sammy and I wanted to get both our boys a phone for when they were in Ukraine so we could talk to them and keep up with them.  I knew getting A one would be easier because of who he would be with.  Getting Y one would be trickier because I didn't really know anyone going back with him or from the region he is from, etc... So I asked my sweet friend Taryn, with Grace to Ukraine, if she knew of way for me to get him a phone.  Of course, she did and it was a perfect plan, the only thing that needed to happen for it to work, would be for the person she was volunteering to say yes!  And she did, with ease!!  This lady, whom I have never met, bought my son a phone in Ukraine, took it to the airport and waited on him to give it to him... ON THE WRONG DAY!! She was given the wrong flight information.... but did she get angry... no, she went back on the next day to give it to him....

So, back to the airport.  I had been telling him that someone was meeting him at the airport with his phone.  He was so excited to be getting one.  I kept reminding him how much we loved him and we would be keeping up with him and communicating with him.  When we arrived at the airport, the tears came heavily.  For both of us.  I was a complete wreck.  Sweet Nastya kept hugging me telling me, "It's okay, no cry".... which made me cry worse!!We get to the ticket counter to get his ticket printed and the lady at the counter says, "Oh baby, he'll be back... you'll see...now don't you cry, your gonna make me cry..."  She had registered several other kids so she knew why we were there.  After registering there was a bunch of standing around waiting so more time for crying... As I was standing there with Sammy and the kids, the lady from the counter came and tapped me on the shoulder... she said "Baby, would you like a gate pass so you can go back with your baby and walk him to the gate?"  I said, "Wait, what? You can do that?!?"... She said, "yeah, hunny, we don't normally, but Ima do it for you!!"  Well I didn't have my wallet so Sammy had to go to the car to get it.  In the meantime, you remember my friend Taryn, well I told her what my tears had won me.... So what does she do??  What any normal person would do... She walked right up to the counter and asked if she could have one too!!  (and all her 50 friends!) Ha!  So, thanks to my tears, we all got to walk them to the gate!  Y cried the whole time.  I tried so hard to be strong for him.... I cried, but not how I needed too.  He kept looking at me with such fear in his eyes... Like to say "Is this when you are leaving.... Is it time yet..."  I kept saying, "It's okay baby, you are going to be okay, mommy is praying for you, right now. God will take care of you!" I translated again about his Bible I had bought Him and what it says in John about not leaving us as orphans and that I wanted him to read John as soon as he could.  I was trying to say anything to distract him.  When we finally arrived at the gate, I knew I couldn't stay.  We had to leave to get back at a certain time.  There was no easy way to leave him.  I just knelt beside him, kissed his cheek and said "Buddy, mommy go".... He grabbed me.  For a moment I was afraid he might not let go.  I told him again I loved him BIG and I would talk to him soon. He let go and I left.

He was gone, and I was a broken mess.  The ride home was quiet, except for the occasional "Mommy, It's okay?"  From my sweet A who was still with me.  He was so worried about me. I didn't know what to do.  These emotions and feelings were all new and hard and ugly.  I just cried and prayed.  I prayed for Y and A and me and Sammy and our bio kids. I prayed for Ukraine and Russia and adoptions and anything else I could think of.  I begged God and then just said his name over and over.  It was a mess.  And how was I going to do this all over again in two days....

That night about 6:30 I was sitting on the couch and my phone started ringing... the number said Texas.  I was thinking, "Who in the world is calling me from Texas??"... I answered it... and on the other end was another angel.  Another angel who had taken my broken boy and comforted him and loved on him in my place.  God was already providing for him.  She introduced herself and told me how she saw me leave Y and how she and her husband just watched as I walked away how hurt and broken he was.  So they went and got him.  They brought him to sit by them and proceeded to love on him, comfort him and encourage him.  They sat with my boy the entire time until he boarded his plane.  They listened as he went through his entire picture album of 200 pictures and told them about each one.  They bought him a coke. (His love language) and they did for him what I couldn't, in my absence.  When she called me, she said "I just had to let you know.  I just had to tell you how much he loves you and how much you and your family have impacted him."  She text me later to say she couldn't quit thinking about him and us and how her life would never be the same because of meeting him.  What she doesn't understand though, is how my life will never be the same because of the way she allowed God to use her in the life of my sweet boy and how she was systematically an answer to specific prayers I had been praying!!  My faith is stronger because of her obedience!

When the flight landed in Ukraine, the lady with the phone met Y and was able to give it to him.  She messaged me later that day that he seemed okay, tired, but okay and VERY happy to have his phone.  She gave me the number and told me she would check in with him in a few days.  To her, this was just a simple message, but to me... this was another way God was providing for my boy.  Here all these other hosting/adopting mamma's put their babies on a plane with no idea of how they would communicate with them again, and here i have this angel who has selflessly volunteered to "check in on him"... Not only that, but I knew he was there, safe and happy for a phone!!  What a gracious God we serve.

I tried Yuri's phone a bunch.  Up until 1am, when I dozed off for a few minutes... then at 2 i woke up suddenly and I looked at my phone and she had messaged me.  I had told her I was having a hard time with the number and I wasn't able to get him.  I asked her if she spoke to him to please tell him how very much I love him and missed him already and that no matter what anyone ever told him, daddy and I were working very hard to bring him back to America and no matter what happened we would always love him.

Her message said: "I hope you are sleeping now, ;) but I just talked to him. He sounded good and said he knows his login and password. I told him if he has problems to be sure to call me. Assured him that I will try to call once a week or so, but that if he needs anything or just wants to talk to feel free to call me any time.

When I told him that you said to tell him that you said that you love him and miss him already I could hear the tears forming as he spoke. Broke my heart.

I assured him that I am in Ukraine and will be in touch with you and him and told him that you had tried to send a text message yesterday but were pretty sure it wasn't sending. He said he didn't get it, and I told him that we would keep trying, but that he should try to sign into fb and message you there.

I will add him to my fb as well and see if I can help.

Praying for his heart today. And for yours. MAN, I hate all the mess their hearts have to go through."

I lost it... I cried... heavy and hard. I cried because I was so thankful for her and her heart and because I missed my boy so much and wanted to comfort him and tell him it's going to be okay. I wanted to be there for him and I couldn't. God was so gracious in allowing me this jewel of a woman to comfort him when I couldn't.

I still haven't talked to him. His phone doesn't have service where he is and that is something we were afraid of. That is why I teeter between the place of trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind. I just want to hear his voice.... I want to hear him say, "It's okay, mommy".... I can't even type this without crying... I can barely see the screen.

I. Miss. My. Boys.

I thought about telling A's story in a separate post but I'm on a roll so hang on....

A and Y couldn't be any more different. I think the only thing they have in common is their language! Ha! They are just different. Their personalities, the way they respond to life, the way they respond to food, the way they play, what they like, the way they dress, the sports they like (or don't)... I mean Y rides roller coasters, A doesn't. They are just opposites. It's funny actually when I think about it. A is hard. He has a "love me if you can" heir about him. It's obvious that it's from a lack of love in his life. He just doesn't know how to receive it or respond to it. He was quiet at first and stayed to himself, but once he came out of his shell and was comfortable with us, I could tell he was an amazing kid with so much to give! He wants to be loved and he wants to receive it. I see him struggling, wrestling with forgiveness and grace. It was all so new to him and confusing. When I talked to A about God, he always rolled his eyes. He rolled his eyes a lot! Ha... I told him they were going to roll into the floor one day! His hurt runs deep. And he doesn't care about this "God" we claim loves him. Not yet anyway!! Even with all his roughness and "love me if you can" attitude, there is something about him that melts you. He cares if you are happy or angry. He never wanted me to be upset or cry. He was quick to apologize when he had gone too far and I could tell he was angry with himself. I always assured him, i would always forgive him and love him no matter what. There was nothing he could do to lose my love. Each time, I think he was amazed that I wasn't upset anymore and had forgiven him. He has a super soft side. He absolutely LOVED Hudson and to watch him with Huddy would have melted anyones heart. He was teaching him Russian... It was the cutest thing. Parker too. Parker and A had a special bond. Even though they fought, there was a deep love there. Just almost automatic. I guess he felt safe with Hudson and Parker. Only God knows.  

He had my heart from the first day I saw him. I knew he was my son. There is no explanation for it. Only God could have put that there. I immediately started praying for him and for us and for how in the world I was going to tell Sammy! I knew that in order for this to work, God was going to have to bond Y and A's hearts and quickly. I prayed secretly without telling anyone. I took Y to meet A and instantly they were best friends... I knew God had answered me. I told Sammy about him and asked him if he could consider two. His reaction was just more confirmation... "He said, how can we not. We have room." I knew what he meant... The rest is, how do they say,... "History" :)  

Life with the two of them wasn't easy.

In fact, sometimes... It was impossible. There were moments I knew I wasn't going to make it. Which is exactly when I was reminded this wasn't mine to do anyway. It was His... the One who's plan this was from the beginning. They are typical teenage boys except they speak a different language and they have lots of baggage. But they are ours and we love them with an unconditional love from our Father and through our Savior!

The last week of A's stay was VERY VERY rocky. His way of dealing with the pain was by withdrawing from us completely to the point of saying he didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. I can't even describe the pain of hearing that. I was assured by everyone it was just him responding to the pain of leaving but it didn't make it any easier to hear... It was rocky... Until the day Y left. I think that jolted A back into reality and he wanted to savor every last moment with us because he was precious. Which made his leaving even harder. I wasn't as worried about him as I was Y because I knew the people he was with. I know the other kids and the adults that would be traveling with him and I know he will be checked on and thought about often by other's besides me. I was however going to MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!! That is the hardest part... MISSING THEM... It wasn't until that day, Friday, that I heard him for the first time same, "Mommy, me no Ukraine..." And I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. I had only seen him cry one other time. I broke. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and how hard daddy and I were working to bring him back home as quickly as we could.

The bus ride there was different because there were so many kids and people and it was loud and hard to get lost in your thoughts. Once we were at the airport though and the reality set in that this was it... the tears were unstoppable. There is no way to describe the feeling of watching your child walk away to board an airplane to go to a country where he will not be loved by a mom and dad. Where no one cares that he has nightmares and is scared. Where no one cares if he brushed his teeth or has on clean underwear. Where no one cares if he is just having a "day" and needs some extra TLC.... It feels wrong... Everything inside of me wanted to run screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO" but then I would have been arrested because he was already through security and that wouldn't have been good for our home study!

( I need to insert in here somewhere, we also got A a phone so we could stay in touch with him and so did many of the other kids that are with him so we will get to hear about how he is often!! Another way God is providing for these sweet kiddos!!)

We stayed and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. He (they all) kept turning around and waving. These 12 beautiful children with faces I will never forget because I am forever changed because of them, they just walked off and faded in the distance. Some will be back, some won't. Some will have forever families, some won't. Only God knows what the future holds for all of them. But for us, for now, we are fighting with everything we have to bring our boys home.

The country isn't safe. They are being attacked while the world watches. AND MY BABIES ARE THERE!! I have to get them home. And any of you, reading this, if you have any inkling that you are called to adopt, please consider Ukraine. I know there are many orphans all around the world with just as dire a circumstance, but I am just asking you to please, consider Ukraine. Ask God if this could be the place where your child is!!

Life is different now for the Tice's. Our home feels empty and it feels incomplete. We need our boys home with us. We need their beds to have them sleeping in them and their drawers to be filled with their clothes. We need them at our dinner table and in our van on the way to church. We need there mess to be around the house with the rest of our messes!! WE NEED THEM HOME!!

Trusting God is not easy. It's hard because we have to let go of ourselves. We have to give Him control of our lives and for us that is hard because we think we need to be in control. That we could do so much better if God would just listen. But every time we try, we fail miserably and He takes us back each and every time.  

Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

So this is where I am... somewhere between Trusting God and totally freaking out and losing my mind....

Pray for us.  Pray for Ukraine.  Pray for orphans.  Pray that God will move you out of your comfortable place and on behalf of the fatherless.  

We may not all be called to parent an orphan, but we are ALL called to care for them.  

Buy a T-shirt :)

Okay, so there were a few issues with the "donate now" option so my amazing sister, who also designed the shirts, set me up a site where you can buy them! Yay! :)

Here is the link...

http://hometees.bigcartel.com/product/trust-without-borders-adult-tee

They are $22 and $3 for shipping.  If I need to, I can refund the shipping.  Right now we only have adult sizes XS-3XL.  We may offer children sizes in the near future.

Please let me know if you have any questions and feel free to share this link so others can buy a shirt too!! :)

The picture is to your right... Isn't it GREAT!!! :)

Help us get our two boys home quickly!

Cant Sleep... Adoption Brain

It's 1:00am.... I am past the point of exhaustion, and yet, here I sit. Staring at this computer. My mind is racing. So many thoughts about so many things... I thought, "I should write these down."

 I never want to forget this moment. This moment in my life right now.  I am closer to my God than I ever thought possible and yet feel so far from Him. Growing and walking with the Lord shows many things, one of those being how much of sinner you really are.  I am thankful for conviction. I am thankful for a God that doesn't leave me in my sin, to rot and waste away.   But rescues me.   Saves me.   Convicts me.    I am thankful He would even consider using me, and that He actually does.

 I know the comments people are making.   I hear them.   I feel them. "WHAT are they thinking?" "They have 4 kids already" "They can't afford two more kids" "She has too much on her plate already, she won't be able to handle this" "What about her biological kids?" and the list goes on and on. So many times, I hear these comments and I want to feel defeated. I want to scream, "Yes!! Yes, you are right!!" Because, you are! We do have 4 children already, money is tight and I do have a lot on my plate. I said these exact same things to my God.... but you know what He said to me?? "This is not about you and what you CAN'T do. This is about ME and what I CAN!!" I cannot argue with that. I don't. From the beginning, when I felt Him tell me this is what He was calling us to, I have realized, there is no use in arguing. He is my God. The one I "say" I am following. The question became, "Do you truly follow me? Even when it's hard? Even when it looks crazy?" And I say, emphatically, YES!!

 For the last 15 years at least, maybe longer, I have prayed for peace. Those of you that know me, know what my struggles have been. I have begged God, for hours on end, for just a little peace. I wanted worry and anxiety to be something I was looking back on.   I longed for the day those things were a memory. Well guess what, I HAVE PEACE!!!!!! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have NO ANXIETY and NO WORRY!! I have absolutely no doubts that I am EXACTLY where God wants me. You can question us all you want. But know this, I HAVE PEACE. I finally can comprehend a peace that surpasses all understanding.(Phill 4:7) Because this is the CRAZIEST time in my life. A time when you would think peace would be the last thing I would feel, but I do and it is amazing. Funny how my God works. Giving me peace in the midst of absolute chaos. While my world is whirling around me, here He is, right in the middle, right where He promises to be, holding me up.

 I haven't doubted from the beginning if this was God calling us to this. The way He has orchestrated things. I keep saying if I have learned anything so far it is that God has a heart for the orphans. They belong to Him. He is their Father. He don't play around when it comes to them!! (Psalm 68:5)

 But please, please don't confuse my peace with ease.

 There is nothing easy about what we are doing.

 It is the hardest thing we have ever done in our entire lives. And this is only the beginning.

 These angels, these orphans, these children, have invaded our home, our lives, our family and our hearts. We will never be the same. We are forever marked by the love we have for these two sweet boys and forever changed by their love for us.

 As I sit here, thinking about them, about their eyes, their hands, their kisses, their hugs, their hearts, tears are streaming down my face. How could I ever expect to love two boys I didn't even know two months ago, as a momma loves her newborn baby? And yet I do.

 Fear consumes me.

 That's right.  Fear.

 Peace and fear.

 That is my battle.

 But not the fears you are thinking.

 My fear, is that they will not be mine. That by some chance, by some fate, they will not be mine.   I fight it daily. The thought of losing them. That we won't be approved for both. Our house isn't big enough. We don't make enough money. We have too many children already. And so on and so on...

 Then I hear it, that still small voice, calling me back to Him.

 Away from the fears that are not from Him, and back to His arms where the Truth is.

 And the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. But my God does. And I trust Him. Because, I am RIGHT where He wants me, and in that place is peace. So here I will stay. With Him directing my steps. Each. And. Every. One.

 Hosting, Adoption, Orphans, it's all hard. Not hard because your life is turned upside down and you have to make changes to your regular routines. Not hard because your budget is stretched and you have to feed more people. Not hard because now there are more kids to referee and teach and nurture and correct and praise.

 Yes, those things are harder.

 But it's hard because your heart is pulled and stretched and jerked and jolted in ways you never thought imaginable. It's hard because you are gifted with love unconditional and you are asked to blindly trust what happens with that love. You are asked to walk with your eyes closed to what happens next. You are asked to relinquish any and all control over to your Creator and let Him guide each step.

 I can't begin to guess how this ends.

 I can tell you it will be marvelous. It will be better than I could do it. It will be what is best for everyone involved. And it will bring glory to my God.

 I'm okay with all of that. Even when it doesn't look like I think it should. And it won't. Because it never does.

 I covet your prayers. Now more than ever. For me, for Sammy, for our bio kids and for these two boys that have stolen our hearts.

 In 6 very short weeks, they will leave our home and go back to theirs. After that, it's only God who knows when we will see them again.

 I can't even begin to imagine letting them go. I know when they do, part of me will go with them.

 So when you pray, remember us!

Adoption Donations

It's Official....

Even typing those words made me feel like I was going to throw up.... Something about telling the world makes it more official than receiving confirmation that the application has been received and is being reviewed....

So, if you haven't already figured it out.... We have sent in the application to begin the adoption process and make Y a part of our forever family.

(insert screams, cries, celebrations, confetti and maybe a little throwing up.... ha)

I've said it before and I will say it every day for probably the rest of my life.... What God calls us to is not easy.  Nothing about it is easy..... Every step is a struggle.  Each step is partnered with anxiety, worry, fear, determination, trust, faith, uncertainty, doubt, reluctancy, comfort, assurance, etc.... It is a constant battle between flesh and spirit, faith and doubt.  And we are standing smack dab in the middle of it.  AND WE COULDN'T BE MORE THRILLED!!!!

God is moving in our lives.  Of this, there is no doubt!  We can see His hand guiding us, moving us, nudging us, comforting us and directing us.  Our plea is that we will only listen to Him, and follow Him.  That we will not listen to others, and most of all.... Ourselves.... That God's voice will ring LOUDLY and PLAINLY over our own and anyone else who may try and oppose what God is directing.

We covet your prayers.  More than anything, we need your prayers.  This is not, nor will be an easy process.  There will be many hills and mountains four our family to climb and we will need the love and prayers of our family and friends above anything else.

Pray mostly for God's will.  In our lives, and in Y.  Pray that we will not be lead by emotions and /or fear, but that we will be lead by God's voice.  Pray that no matter what the future holds for us that we will be able to accept it with comfort and peace.  Pray that God will provide the money we need for this big endeavor quickly. :)  And lastly, but certainly not least, pray that God will receive all the Glory in and through this situation.  That this will be all about Him and nothing about us.

And for the record.... Y doesn't know.   As much as we would love to tell him and talk to him about it, it is one of the rules of the hosting organization that we do not discuss adoption with them.  So we are respecting their rule and not telling him.  We would ask that you not mention it to or in front of him either.  Even though he doesn't know English well,  he most definitely knows that word. :)

And just a little update on him.... He is doing great.  Each day is better than the last.  He has come out of his shell more and more.  He has to be one of the most caring children I have met.  So attentive to what needs to be done and helpful without being asked.  He just jumps right in and helps with chores or cooking, or whatever the task is.  He never complains.  EVER.  He has eaten everything I have cooked with a smile and almost every time has gone back for seconds. :)  And he never stops eating.....

His life has been hard.  Very hard.   Much harder than any 13 yo I know.... or adult for that matter.  He has revealed things to me about his past that would crush your heart.  Please pray for him.  He has to return to the Ukraine no matter how bad we want him to stay.  There is no other choice.  Pray for his protection and for his heart.

Life for Y is more different than I even know back home.  It is hard.  But God has a purpose for Y.  A great one.  I can see him softening.  We talk about God, often.  He knows who God is.  He even knows who Jesus is. He knows what He did and why.  It's quite beautiful to see his face when we talk about forgiveness and how freely God gives it.  I absolutely can't wait to see what God does with this sweet boys life.  And how He will work all that he has been through for good according to His purpose.

Pray for us as we continue in this walk of blind faith.  Not knowing the outcome of this endeavor is the hardest part.... but then it wouldn't be faith if we could see ahead, would it?

And...... to keep the suspense up....here's another little nugget of information.... we will be hosting another little angel in a couple of weeks.  He will be with us for the second half of the summer and to say we are excited is an understatement.... That's right... there will be TWO Ukrainians under this roof.... That's crazy you say??? Maybe.... but isn't that just how our God works?  :)))))

To be continued......

It's a struggle...

I am struggling to write this second part.  It's 2:33am and I can't sleep.  I'm actually not sure when I will sleep again.  There is so much going on in my head and my heart I am not sure I can even put it on paper... (or on a computer screen in this case)

I spent most of the night crying and trying to hide my tears from Yuri.  Not big, ugly crying, just subtle tears streaming.... The thought of sending him back was an overwhelming reality tonight.  I have known from the beginning that he had to go back at the end of the summer.  I even cried a few nights before he got here thinking about it.  But now that he is here, it's different.

He's here.

I can't explain the love I have for this child.  There is no logical explanation.  The only thing that makes sense is that God has put it there. He has orchestrated this whole thing.  From the beginning, I can see His hand moving on behalf of Y and for His own glory, as all things are and should be.  I clearly felt Him say to me tonight, "pain is a part of it".....as I was pleading with Him to help me overcome this and enjoy the time he is here for now.  Pain is always a part of the beautifying process with our loving God.  It's in the brokenness that He makes things beautiful. He takes our tattered and torn lives and weaves a beautiful tapestry for His glory.  Our strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9) and it's then we realize we are completely dependent upon Him for our every need....

I said in my blog a few days ago that I could feel change was coming.... Well it's just beginning.  And not just for me, but for my whole family.  I am not the only one that loves Y.  We all do.  He is already changing our dynamic.  The way we talk to each other. The way we look at each other.  The way we love each other.  In just one short weekend, he has already had an effect that will last a lifetime.  And it's only the beginning....

God is using Y to show us what genuine love looks like.  Real I Corinthians 13 love.  I don't think it is any coincidence that we started memorizing that chapter as a family a few weeks ago... Just another way of how God is sovereign over all.

Okay... I am going to try and finish the first day story...

So, after we leave the airport, we all load up in our van (which has a donut tire on now because of the flat that occurred on the way there) and head home.  At first Samantha, McKain and Y were in the back seat.  Not 5 minutes down the road, I decided I wanted to sit in the back with him so I could talk to him (or talk to my phone so it could talk to him), so Samantha and I switched. (which she was thrilled to do... NOT)  About 5 minutes later, Parker had to pee.  Stop #1

We all go in the gas station and McKain shows Y around and tells him to pick anything he wants.... He picks a huge chocolate, caramel, granola bar thing and a Coke Zero.... I looked at the drink and tried to explain that it was a diet drink and maybe he wanted a "real" Coke... He conceded, I am sure just to shut me up. Haha So back in the car we go.... and 10 minutes later... (really it was, not kidding) Parker has to pee AGAIN... Stop #2

Well, there is no exit with gas stations and Parker is really whining at this point.  Like he is going to die.  It's about 9:15 and he has had a long day with WAY too much to drink.  Sammy tries to talk me in to letting him pee in a bottle in the car.  (something we have done in the past) But I adamantly argue I will not do that in front of Y his first night here and scare him to death thinking we are some sort of crazy parents who make their children pee in bottles..... I can't even imagine what that would look like to him.... Did I mention we were almost sitting still in traffic??

Sammy very slowly makes his way to the next exit (which has no gas stations)  He drives a little way, makes a couple of turns, and finally just pulls into an empty parking lot and lets Parker out and then we pulled off quickly so he couldn't follow..... (kidding)

At this point we are all tired. Y is already tired of google translate and Sammy is beyond ready to get home and get away from our two youngest who have consistently whined and cried for the last 4 hours.... We make our way back to the interstate ramp only to notice it is blocked by a state trooper.  We talk to the State Trooper who tells us the road is closed and we will have to take 75 turns to get through the town and back to the interstate on down a few miles or we can go back the way we came and get back on the interstate a few exits back and wait in traffic... we chose 75 turns... Well as we are pulling away from the ST... Y takes off his seatbelt and proceeds to get up... I am trying to ask him what is wrong.  I was sure he was going to be sick... I was yelling for Sammy to pull over because he was trying to get out and to hand me something because I thought he was going to be sick... (one of the things P143 told us was to be prepared for motion sickness as most of these children have never traveled for long distances) I just knew me and my entire van were about to be covered in.... well you know.... I empty the bag that I had the chips in and Samantha throws back a ziplock... (thanks Samantha) I hand him the chip bag and he looks at me really strange... I nod like "yes, it's okay" then he proceeds to stand up and act like he is going to unbutton his pants.... Of corse I am calm and say "no, no, that's not what I meant".... Ha!  No, I started yelling "NOOOO, NOOOO don't do that!!" He says "Ohhhh, Ohhhh, Okay"  Then I yell for Sammy to pull over now because he has got to go.... He pulls over right across from the exit where we had just spoke with the ST and let's Y out with McKain as his chaperone of corse.... Desperate times call for desperate measures....

Again, we got back on the road. Our two hour trip home became 3 but we made it.

Y did end up falling asleep for the last hour and a half and I ended up driving because Sammy was also asleep.... at the wheel.... haha

Once we got home and showed him his room and his things we had bought, I asked him if he wanted to take a shower to which he said "yes" and in my mind I did a happy dance because I did not want him to go to bed without a shower, but I also didn't want to make him feel like he had to take one at 1am!

He was happy about everything I showed him or gave him, but he has been overall very mellow.  He reminds me of Sammy.  Very laid back.  This is a good thing... our family needs some more "laid back" :)

There have been many "first" and many new experiences for all of us and it has been a blast.

He is so kind and respectful. He is helpful and polite.  He tries to help me with everything without me even asking.

We have talked a little about where he is from and about his life there. He seems sad when I ask about it so I try not to dig.  (which is totally against my nature) but I know when he wants to, he will tell me his story... Until then....Thanks to a precious redeeming God.... We are writing our own.... A brand new one....

How God is messing up my plans....

My sister and I say, "If you want to see God laugh, tell Him your plans."  Well He must be laughing hysterically at me right now!

It all started last summer when I was introduced to Suzette Davie and her Ukrainian orphans. I had no idea how these precious children would captivate my heart.  Sammy and I have known for a while that we wanted to adopt, but we have always said it would be a younger child.  You know, between the ages of 2-5.  Also, she would be a girl.  We have 3 boys and 1 girl so naturally we would adopt a girl.  And with adoption, you control what you get, right??  (Can you hear God laughing?)

After meeting and hanging out with them a few times, I knew changes were coming in my life and I needed to get ready.  Through Suzette, and Grace to Ukraine, I met Brandy who introduced me to Project 143 and their hosting program.  Through the hosting program you are mostly hosting older children who are more likely to age out of the orphanage soon.  If you host younger ones, its because they are a part of a sibling set that has older siblings.  Sammy and I knew we wanted to host this summer so we did the pre-authorization process in Jan or Feb and began praying about which child we should host.  Then we found out about Hudson's skull and  thought we were moving so we knew that our hosting plans needed to be put on hold.  Well, praise God, Hudson did not require surgery and we decided not to move yet.  I was scrolling on Facebook one night on my computer (because I had taken it off of my phone (another blog another night)) because I had not been on in a few days, when I see a post from "Grace to Ukraine" advocating for a girl that needed a host family. I immediately sent Brandy a message asking if we were still eligible.  I just knew we had missed the window.  She said we were.  We were so excited!  Just what WE had wanted, and 11yo girl! (still laughing)

Well, in good God fashion, we find out we are not able to host the young girl.  The program did not feel like we were a good match for each other.  So after this blow, as I sit on the couch thinking, "Really God? Here we are, willing, and ready, and we get nothing?".... Then Brandy types these words that would change our lives and hearts forever...

"Would you consider Y?"

I knew right away it was a boy.  I just sat there staring at the computer.  Then I looked at Sammy and I said, "Would you consider hosting a boy?"  His answer is when I knew, this was God's plan.  Sammy said, "How could we not?".

That is how God introduced us to Y.  An orphan boy from the Ukraine.

It's never how we think it is going to look.  It is always way better!

If we had any doubts that this was God's plan, he curbed those in the first 48 hours, because that is how fast we raised $2100.

Sammy and I did not have a penny to spare the night we agreed to host Y.  We had to come up with $200 to pay that next day and then $1900 the following week.  I wasn't worried about the $1900 as much as I was the $200 because our bank account was empty.  Here is the thing about Sammy and I, we are not wealthy.  We don't just have money sitting around when we need to grab a couple hundred here and there.  It's just not the life God has given us. I am sure because He knows in His sovereignty that we wouldn't have gotten where we are in our relationship with Him if he had allowed us that luxury.  He is good like that and knows our hearts better than we do. :)

Well,  I sent an email and posted on Facebook about what we were doing and what we needed.  Before morning, we had $500.  Within 48 hours, we had it all.  When I say  I am amazed by God and how He showed himself faithful through our friends and family, I mean, He showed OFF!!  He truly has a heart for the orphan.  All He wants is someone willing.

I have heard Sammy say several times throughout this process that "we say we have faith, that we trust God, that we want to follow and obey Him, but when it comes down to it, and He ask us to step out, will we? Do we really have faith, or are those just the words we say?"

Sammy and I are trusting God to guide us.  He has not failed us so far and we have no doubts that He will not fail us in the future.

Y is here!  He is precious.

I saw him right away, coming up the escalator.  I knew it was him.  I recognized him from his pictures.  I watched him.  I stood there, in awe of my big God and how He has already given me a love for this child that I had only just now seen in person.  It was really like the world stopped for a minute and I just stared at him. I wondered how he would change our lives, all of ours, and how we would change his.  I wondered how I could love him, really love him, the way Christ calls us to.  I wondered how I was going to show him who Christ was and when I could put that jacket he had on in the washing machine.... It was a long moment. haha  Our last name is "Tice" and they went alphabetically.   I watched him stand there next to the lady with the list.  He kept pointing and talking.  I knew he was wanting to know why she wasn't calling him.  There was so much going on around me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him... My kids were talking, arguing, whining, but I barely noticed. I was just listening for my name... Then it was called, and I pushed my way through the crowd, because I was in the back.  The whole time screaming at myself "DO NOT CRY.... DO NOT CRY!! You are going to totally freak him out if you cry!!!!"  When I got to him, it was awkward... I'm just being honest... We hugged and I was snapped back to reality of here I am, an American mommy, and here he is, a Ukrainian orphan, and he is coming home with me.  I immediately went into "fix it and make it better mode".... I started barking orders at everyone.  One thing they kept reiterating at P143 was not to wait around after you met your child.  Get your picture made (Ukrainian government rule) and get out.  So I walked Y over to the kids, they introduced themselves and Sammy shook his hand.  Then he shook McKains hand and went and stood beside him. (and pretty much hasn't left it since).  Then the bag fiasco... One of the things they told us to ask them was if they had checked any luggage.  Well I don't speak Russian.  (The language we thought he spoke) I took him to a translator and she told me he did have luggage.  She said to go to baggage claim #2.  Easy enough right?  So, off we head, Sammy, myself, our four kids and Y.  We make it to baggage claim 2 and he walks around the entire thing.... 3 times.... no bag.  He starts to panic.  Obviously we don't know what he is saying, but we can figure its about his bag.  He starts to walk off. I yell for McKain to follow him (which he already was)... I begin trying to call people on my phone who may speak Russian or know someone who does.... My first few calls give me voice mails.... Okay, so here is where the calm, I've got it all together Michelle leaves for a few minutes and allows, I'm freaking out, this is terrible, I just want to crawl in a whole and cry Michelle to come in.... Sorry for all of those who had to encounter her for those few minutes.... Very long story short, we were at the North baggage claim and needed to be at the South.  We found his bag!  He was thrilled!  We were thrilled!!  Off to the car we went.....

There is so much more to this story, but it's already so long and I am so tired.  I will write the rest tomorrow.

 I am writing this for myself and Sammy, for Y, for my kids and for anyone who loves us and wants to remember how this journey began.  I don't know how or to what extent, but I know our lives are changed forever now because of this precious Ukrainian.  I do know that I want more than anything to be obedient to my God.  It's the least I can do.....